SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm coping a lot better with the pain at the moment although I'm still triggered a lot and still angry at the unfairness of it all.

One thing I often get stuck in is the selfishness of cheating. This disgusts me more than the physical act. Although my WH did not spend any money or large amounts of time with the AP (a few booty calls then mainly sexts)...it baffles, angers and disgusts me that he could be so selfish! I really had him down as a shirt off his back kind of guy so to find out he'd choose to satisfy his own selfish needs without thinking about the consequences for his wife and kids is such a difficult hurdle to overcome! I guess it would be the same if his escapism took the form of alcohol, drugs or gambling I just feel as a mum I had no choice but to put my children first and I would never do anything to jeopardise theirs or my WHs happiness or security especially not for my own selfish needs.

Is there a way to work on overcoming this? Is there any waywards mothers who could give me their perspective? I know women and mothers chest too (the AP was a married mother).

I can only picture what I know and keep thinking it means my WH can't have loved the children as much as me.

Evio - I don't know if this helps, but it occurs to me that many cheaters, especially men, think of their cheating as their "private life". It's the compartmentalization that we often read about.....they have a family life with you and the kids, with certain roles, actions, activities, whatever.....and then they have what they regard as a "private life", which they often consider that they fund, and it's a type of recreation, or whatever that they think of as uniquely theirs....like a hobby, that they fund and that (to them) it has no effect on their other role of husband/father. As absurd as it sounds, I think many of them regard it like a golf hobby or hunting, etc. of course, they don't consider the impact mental, emotional, financial, and often physical (STDs) their "hobby" might have on their wife, or others. They don't think of the energy and time it might take away from the wife and family. They don't think about their vows. My father was a violent alcoholic - he didn't cheat as far as I know (I really don't think so) but the thought as long as he kept working and providing basic things like a home, food, etc, through his work, he was somehow entitled to this. It wasn't a "private" hobby in the sense that it happened in front of us and impacted us directly - it sure wasn't a secret - but many people think like this. I work and I'm entitled to a private life that I fund with MY income and it doesn't affect my home life because I still come home and spend family time, whatever. I think that's some of the psychology that goes into this. It's very limited, self serving thinking, but.....there it is. A lot of people, especially men, think like this, especially if they are not putting emotional investment into their APs, whatever type they are. Nor do I give any validity to this type of thinking, but I think even now, it's fairly common. It plays into the "what they don't know won't hurt them" mindset.

As for kids....I think many men are not as invested in their kids as mothers are, especially babies and small kids, and that may just be a biological thing. Women carry, nurse and take care of the little ones so they are inherently more bound to them than others who may care, but not as much. It's not as direct or personal. For many men, it might seem like more of an obligation than a joy. I do think biology dictates much in life, I know that's not a popular belief in society now, but I still think it's true. I think males in particular have to be trained by society to view the parental role as one involving deep commitment, modeling and attachment. Look how many men just skip out on their families entirely. I know some women do this, but it's a lot more men.

Just a few thoughts :)

Thank you BondJaneBond...I think you have summed it up perfectly - I also have an entitled violent alcoholic father which makes me more disappointed I chose a cheater for a husband 😞
He says it never took away from his family time and when he was with us he never sexted her/thought about her etc. he also never bonded with my youngest at the time and only really bonded with my eldest two as they are twins so he had to get stuck in!

However over the years he has become the most doting dad...he stays up late to run them around, worries about them constantly and really can't do enough for them. He has even sat up watching one of the twins after he had been drinking to check on him. He works more sociable shifts now and takes turns cooking, cleaning etc and is generally just a much more proactive dad and husband than he was when they were babies ....but.....he still cheated on me 13 years ago 😞

I differ a bit from BondJaneBond in some ways. She makes some very excellent points.

My H planned to D me. For 6 months he demand a D - then a few days later change his mind. Repeat.

He honestly believed he was going to replace me with the OW and it would be a smooth transition and no affect in me & kids. Yes - he was that far into fantasyland that he really believed this would "all work out".

He assumed (you know what happens when you assume) the kids would not be impacted by this.

My H was (and is) a great dad. However he really was so stupidly selfish during his affair that he thought it was going to be "fine".

For you Evio I suggest this. Don’t confuse his selfishness during the affair w/ his "not being a good dad". He just wasn’t a good dad during his affair b/c he never connected the dots. He just lived for his own selfishness.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:13 AM, Wednesday, July 30th]

The 1st wife...thank you this helps a lot. I guess I can kind of understand when people are wrapped up in their own needs they do not see how it affects their children. I know he loves his kids and their lives are definitely better with him in it....if always been do proud at what an involved father he is having grown up with a cold, abusive alcoholic father which is why his affair has shocked me so much.
I'm going to try and remember he was a crap dad for a while but he was good before and he has been and can continue to be a good dad after.

[This message edited by Evio at 12:51 PM, Wednesday, July 30th]

I had the same thought when his infidelity first came out. How could he take that time away from his family? He was an involved father, and was wonderful with the kids, so I couldn't fathom that he would risk our family and their stability like that. I had to face the fact that, though I didn't understand it, his ability to compartmentalize allowed him to do such awful things while still coming through for the family.

I recently learned that the cheating started earlier than I previously knew. When I think about the ages of our kids at the time, and what their needs were, I am back to that place of questioning how genuine any of his care and concern for us was. On some level, I think that even being capable of compartmentalizing enough to cheat and put our security at risk, means he was lacking as a father. I'm back at square one in processing this particular aspect of the whole shitty mess.

I know it is very very hard not to look back and say "but you cheated and did this or that…."

I think it’s hard to R or D and the betrayed has to swallow a lot if you know what I mean.

But…..(isn’t there always a but?!) if the cheater has remorse and makes amends and is better than they were, it’s worth making the decision to R.

Evio - your H sounds like a good guy (as is mine) but for some reason made some stupid choices. It’s like that George Bailey moment in Its A Wonderful Life when he realizes the life he has is better than he realized.

Not to be all sappy but I think people often deserve a second chance. Yes some things may be unforgivable— but if they no longer behave that way now, it’s best to not look in that rear view mirror.

My H is no longer that arrogant jerk he was prior to dday2 of affair 2. Partially because I changed and became a badass in some ways but mostly b/c he saw the error of his ways.

He’s not the jerk he was — and it sounds like neither is your H.

Purple moxie - my WHs therapist said he compartmentalised...it's hard to get your head round when you don't do it yourself isn't it? I don't compartmentalise at all and wear my heart on my sleeve so struggle to understand it.

First wife - thank you...I do believe my WH is like yours and is a good guy who did a bad (and incredibly stupid) thing, but I know deep down he does deserve a second chance which is why I'm still here. I just hope he doesn't throw the chance away ( I really don't think he will) but if he does I know that's on him not me and I can be proud of how I've acted.

Evio - I also struggle to understand his ability to compartmentalize. I get that it is necessary for things like stressful jobs and such. But I just can't understand or respect being able to neglect one's family and risk their safety and security. My husband is also a pretty good guy who did incredibly shitty things. I struggle to comprehend how those different aspects of him can coexist.

I do have to add that he is an amazing grandparent. Seeing him in that light definitely helps me remember that he was also a good parent when he was present.

My wife’s LTA went from emotional to physical two months after she became pregnant with our second child.

People have asked, and yes, my son is my son. AP was an EMT, he wore his blood type on his ID, no chance of a match there.

Fairly tough to watch a perfectionist fail and fall so far, but when that perfectionist coil breaks, the fall from grace can be as bad as it gets.

A person who never got a B in her life at any level, never got in any kind of trouble (she never drank, never did drugs, never missed a day of work or school, ever) — when she finally failed, she failed big.

And yeah, during an A, no one gets any parenting awards of any kind.

When the AP dropped her like a bad habit four years in, she decided her way back to grace was being the best mother possible and based on our collective effort, our sons are amazing, kind and good men (youngest just turned 30).

Most folks don’t know about the A. My choice. Those who do know live in another state and respect my privacy about it when I catch up with them.

Our kids were young enough, they don’t even recall the AP.

I chose not to tell them. Not out of kindness for my wife. I just kind of believe that unless either son experiences infidelity, it isn’t their business. It isn’t their business when things are going well in the bedroom, they sure don’t have to know about what went wrong, unless they experience the same thing I did.

Infidelity is as selfish as gets, no argument there.

However, I do think that part of my wife’s road back to being her best self was the focus she put on our kids.

The A was a long time secret, so I was the last part of her owning her poor choices. I don’t give her credit for NOT trying to take it to her grave, after all, the decade plus it was a secret, it really hurt our M. The one part we got right was the kids, at least once her A was over.

I found out what my wife was doing on a Thursday. Friday afternoon when she came home from work I said I need time to think and I can't do that if we are bumping into each other and I am not going to spend the weekend staring at the ground. I cannot make you leave but I need you to leave. There's a suitcase upstairs

Saturday I sent her this huge text message and part of it read did you ever think about what this would do to me? To our kids? To his wife? Their kids? Did you ever think about two families getting broken up and kids splitting time between different homes?

And the honest answer was no, she never thought about the consequences. IMO she had her head so far up her ass that the consequences didn't matter.

Early on she said no I never thought about you which just floored me. Months in she said I knew you would be upset but I didn't think you would be this upset. So she knew but the affair was more important. I'm guessing she figured I would just get mad, stay silent for a few days and then slowly things would just drift back (rugsweep) to normal. That's how much control she thought she had over the relationship. In my opinion she believed that no matter what I wouldn't leave but that all changed when she came home Friday afternoon and I said there's a suitcase upstairs

[This message edited by WB1340 at 10:32 PM, Friday, August 8th]

My stepsister recently (in the last several years) announced she wants nothing to do with her father due the A he had with my mother 40 years ago when my stepsister was a young teen (her dad divorced his wife and married my mother - they are still married). I have no idea what happened with my step-sister to bring this up so many years later be honest. We haven't talked in years and until recently she did all the family things (more than I ever did). But had you asked me I would have said their relationship was great - she spent tons of time with him, did things with him. I haven't a clue and admittedly I was pretty shocked.

So, you never know.

It's crazy isn't it...I really don't think they think of the kids at the time...I find it even stranger when women do this as I can't imagine it being a mother but I guess people just aren't thinking straight when they are having an affair 🤷

Oldwounds - as you know my WHs AP was also pregnant and post partum during their affair (not his kid) and I find that really difficult but it helps knowing others people have been in same situation.

After the affair he also vowed to be the best dad and there was definitely noticeable changes even though I didn't know about the affair until recently and our three boys are a credit to us both

I'm guessing she figured I would just get mad, stay silent for a few days and then slowly things would just drift back (rugsweep) to normal.

I know that's what my W thought, except that she thought that would have been the right way to handle an A, until very shortly before she decided to end her A.

Heck, I thought that was the way I would handle it. I was shocked at the depth and breadth of my response - all pain all the time for months.

My inability to imagine what being betrayed would feel like makes me very open to the proposition that a human being can't understand being betrayed unless it happens to them, and maybe not even then.