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18 years since it came out my WS (Oh in fact, we never married), had spent the preceding 5 years of our relationship having multiple ONS's and casual encounters. 18 years later and still together and I can't recall ever having had a meaningful sorry!

Sure, sometimes she'll say 'sorry you're still feeling like this' or 'sorry for the impact its had on you', but it feels utterly hollow and meaningless. What does it take for that sorry to feel genuine?

I suspect if it ever is genuine, it will feel genuine.

We humans pick up on the tiniest subtleties.

What does it take for that sorry to feel genuine?

It would have to come from someone who is genuinely remorseful and demonstrates it through actions as well as words.

What does it take for that sorry to feel genuine?

When actions match the words.

I feel like mine is genuinely sorry for everything he's done, but I've come to accept that sometimes being sorry isn't enough for me to let go of the hurt. I think that's a very individual decision, though.

WandaGetOverIt, What do you think she would have to do for you to believe that she's sorry and for you to let go of your pain?

For me, it's when I can see or feel that there is emotion with it.

What does it take for that sorry to feel genuine?

Authenticity

"Sorry you feel bad" or "Sorry this impacts you" is missing the most important thing— accountability.

He’s not sorry for what he’s done. He’s sorry you found out.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 10:29 PM, Friday, August 8th]

Like chaos said, when actions match words. Words are cheap and easy, actions carry much more weight

The day I confronted my wife, at the end of our our hour long conversation, all she said through gritted teeth and folded arms was I'm sorry this upsets you. She said the words but they were absolutely meaningless

These days when she does say I'm sorry it is genuine

Sometimes I think we, as the betrayed, would like an apology or an "I’m sorry" that was initiated by the cheater, and not as a response to the betrayed venting or sharing their feelings.

That might go a long way towards healing.

You will know when it’s authentic. When my W became truly sorry my gut knew. A couple years later watching her confront a friend that was close to the slippery slope, crying and telling this friend "you can never get back what you throw away". Watching my W absolutely hate what she did. Her distain for the "Cold play" cheaters. When you know you know.

The reason is possibly that for 18 years the two of you havent’ dealt with the issue and instead have found some way to coexist with the stench of infidelity. You want a meaningful sorry, yet she knows that she can get away with not being capable of giving it. Maybe a couple of days where the mood is heavy in the household, and then things go back to your "normal".

It takes a lot to change behavioral patterns. But it all starts with the will to change.

I suggest you explain to your wife that despite the 18 years you are still scarred by the numerous ONS and the affairs. That you want to heal, and all you know is that you can heal as a single man, or you two can heal as a couple. That if she wants to help you heal, then she will agree to couples counseling where the two of you dive into what you can do to heal.

"I'm sorry you feel that way" apologizing doesn't feel genuine because there's no accountability. Non-apologies like this also feel hollow because they're subtle deflection or DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). She's deflecting responsibility by saying her behaviors aren't the problem, your feelings are the problem. Yup, "I'm sorry you feel that way" is a variation on that classic DARVO chestnut "It's not what I did that's the problem, the problem is your reaction to what I did."

Genuine apologies come from a place of seeking to repair the wrong. Her non-apologies aren't validating your hurt and pain - your wounds. A genuine apology after 18 years (!) of successfully evading accountability may be unrealistic. Unless she WANTS to change ingrained behaviors (ingrained thinking?) to heal your wounds.

Honesty from you - how her non-apologies (DARVO) make you feel seems necessary - if healing is a mutual goal. Is it a mutual goal? A legit question to ask her

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 5:46 AM, Sunday, August 10th]