SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I had a bit of breakdown after finding out (admittedly in a horrible way) but I went completely scorched earth and told loads of people. I might as well have posted it on social media I was so close to a breakdown. In my head I didn’t care who knew. I have a big mouth a big flaw of mine, I told people I am not that close too.

Now we are still together (just hanging on) but even if we were notI massively regret that. I feel I am an embarrassment and humiliated.

Everyone on here seems so controlled, did anyone else go all scorched earth?

Don't be so hard on yourself. Trauma is no joke and our BS's knew going into the affair that this was a possible consequence. I understand and feel your regret. I'm at 4 years and 4 months post DDay, just signed the dissolution papers a couple days ago. I want to go scorched earth, but I'm keeping the peace at least until the dissolution is signed off by a judge. In my heart, I know I'm better off taking the high road and being the better man, but damn is it hard. I want to go scorched earth on my wifes AP as he was a friend and is considered to be such a wonderful man in our community. I have let key people know what happened but haven't put anything on social media. The seed has been planted from my anger, and the natural rumor mill has taken off as it always does. My WW is dealing with the consequences of her childrens disapproval, and asshat in town is beginning to feel the backlash of breaking up a long established and looked upon family in town. I myself can be guilty of drunk texting as I work through the grief of losing both my wife and my family cohesiveness. It's a lot to take in, and sometimes our anger can flare up whenever it chooses. Give yourself a break and forgive yourself for this as we are not perfect in any way.

I did! And I did have regret for a while as I was humiliated! But, I also no longer wondered who knows? On D day I was petrified that the entire friend circle knew (double betrayal here) and that I was the last to know. A few "friends" (not) knew and I wanted to put on blast "F you all, I am no longer in the dark". Ultimately, all turned out okay. You learn who your friends are with their support and realize who was never really a friend to begin with. And just like all "scandals" anyone not involved really don’t care and move on to new gossip quite quickly.

Everyone on here seems so controlled, did anyone else go all scorched earth?

I told one family member - just to have someone to speak to about WS.

BUT - I did not have unassailable evidence - so I didn't "spread the word" - only decades later did I get some semblance of what happened during her "mistake."

She gave me a ration over telling someone.
She lost my 100% trust for life over her "mistake."
Turns out - "Trust but Verify" was my modus operandi and has kept me from having to experience another "mistake."

She later confided in HER mother - and got a lecture on "sometimes marriage is hard and that is NO excuse to take up with a paramour." Her mother SAHM and her parents married over 30 years when father passed - worked himself to death supporting 5 kids and SAHM.

It's all history now (that time in life) and we are good - having learned to accept the others faults but NOT including cheating.

Something that occurred unexpectedly - she has a worry that I might find someone more to my liking and, maybe, that is why she is no longer a "wanderer?" - just thinking out loud thing.

Everyone on here seems so controlled,

Now that's funny!

I didn't exactly go scorced earth, but I did tell more than a few people over the years.

In ten years on SI I've read enough stories about betrayed spouses doing that to know that's it not uncommon.

I can think of one member writing that she told just about everyone her WH knew, she knew, their pets, lost relatives...

Then there's Beyonce, who went full on global nuclear war!

Don't be too hard on yourself. Infidelity is crazy-making shit. We all do things in the aftermath that we one day regret. It happens.

Did I put it on social media? No.

But I told my family and told him to tell his family. And then I followed up with his family to ensure they didn’t get a watered down version of the truth. Or the "truth" cheater version.

You know, unmet needs and I am to blame etc. b/c he wasn’t "happy".

And I have no regrets.

I messaged everyone on APS social media and all of my Hs family. I have no regrets.

I didn't go full scorched earth. I told family members but maybe should have branched out a bit more. Why do I say this? Well, imagine walking into the Starbucks where you both used to go and you would still go occasionally. Then, somebody says something like, "Hey, I hear you're moving to (a different state)." XWH mendioned moving, but not that we were D and he was the one moving. Guess what? I told them, too. Sometimes, you do need to mention it to people that aren't in your immediate bubble.

I told too many people, wish I had a better frame of mind at the time but I was desperate for any advice or consolation.

My brother knows, he was the first person I called minutes after finding out. He is the one person who got me through this. He took every phone call regardless of the time of day, regardless of how many times I called.

I didn't tell any of our friends. She told her sister and BF. Her BF said well that’s disappointing. Her sister went thru the same scenario with her fiance (he was sexting with someone) and when my wife found out she was very pissed off. FF a few years and my wife does the same thing. I did throw that into her face, "A bit of a hypocrite aren't ya' "

I have zero regrets telling his wife what her husband and my wife were doing. My wife was furious. "What if she comes into my work? What if she causes a scene? What if I lose my job? "

"And if his wife found the sexts on his phone and came into your work? Where was all of this concern while you were cheating?" That deflated her sails PDQ.

I feel/felt zero obligation to protect him or her from their choices.

I told virtually everyone, friends, family, extended family, coworkers, my boss. It felt necessary at the time as everything fell apart at once. In retrospect I’m kind of shocked but it was important for me to out the whole thing at his work. People didn’t know details but they knew my WH had allowed his problematic secretary to return to work after telling me she had been let go. In fact she just took five weeks of FMLA and then returned secretly. By blowing it up it became « awkward/embarrassing » for everyone at the company and she was encouraged (with severance agreement) to leave the company. All this ended up being legal which was helpful because it prevented her from returning there to work which she did three separate times. It has been a challenging ten years for him at work having everyone look at him differently, but of course he accepts that these were his choices.

I told everyone partially because I didn’t care who knew and partially because I thought she was the aggressor and he was innocent-ish. (Yes, dumb). He came fully clean three years ago, eight years after the fact. She did start it (by his report) but he went happily along. Now, I am sometimes a bit embarrassed, which is weird because I am sure everybody just assumed the truth (that something had gone down between them) way back in the beginning.

When I feel embarrassed I remind myself its not my shame. Not mine to carry. I am just not a good liar anyway. People would be like why did you drop 40lbs overnight. Short of telling them I had cancer I didn’t know how else to respond but the truth. Sadly, there was no Ozempic back then.

We live in a tiny tight knit community. Everybody knows everybody’s business anyway. I actually find recovery most difficult when I am around my grown kids who don’t know, at least they don’t know the real real. I don’t like them trying to celebrate our anniversary, that kind of thing. Sometimes the truth is easier.

I don’t really think there is an easier path. It is more a « pick your hard » kind of situation.

IMO 9 out of 10 times the coworkers either know or are suspicious.

I didn't go scorched earth, but I sometimes wish I had. Not to the level of social media (I don't post much personal stuff there anymore), but at least to all immediate family, including our kid.

I did tell a handful of my close friends, one of whom basically saved my life on the night of dday. All of them were people who had known me for decades and therefore had also known WS. I needed assurance that trying R with him wasn't a terrible mistake. In hindsight, I think I would've benefitted from him getting forgiveness from the people who mattered to me (our kid, my parents, our closest friends). He was way too trapped by shame and ego to consider this, though.

I don't think there's a good answer either way. I know of cases that were super public and others that only a few of us knew about. It doesn't seem to matter too much in the long run. People who've never cheated/been cheated on will never really understand, and they have their own problems to consume them.

Lemonpie, why do you feel that you're an embarrassment? To whom, yourself or your WS? And if you're embarrassed about yourself, what do you think was shameful about your behavior?

Let me guess— you’re posting this now because your husband is throwing it in your face yet again that you told people and made him look bad.

You have a lot more regret about telling people that he’s a cheater than he has about cheating on you. After all, he’s never been ashamed enough by his actions to stop.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 12:31 PM, Monday, August 11th]

I immediately knew that D was what I wanted. I only told my family, closest friends, and co-workers. But when I went to the hairdresser I told her the whole story, knowing that the word would spread. I'm pretty sure I got an angry text from WXH when the word got out but I was pretty good at ignoring his little tantrums by then. I didn't know about this place yet so I didn't tell the AP's spouse; I wish I had. They got their D done before ours and a year later the twu luv birds got married.

Ai want to take this in a different direction.

You and I have some things in common in our personalities from what I have read from you.

The name of what is causing your pain in this situation is shame. And likely it’s just a part of larger shame that you have carried for a long time. Maybe, even probably since childhood.

It can create a mindset of being hard on yourself. Some other symptoms that may or may not be there is perfectionism, being more concerned with what others thing or feel than how you think or feel, especially about yourself.

A great book that helped me begin to explore that is Rising Strong by Brene Brown.

My feeling is that no one knows how to deal with this stuff and giving yourself some grace and understanding that you needed to talk about this with others. You needed to let it out. What you did was what you needed at the time. It now bothers you because you may worry about what others think about your decision to stay. Dig into that because I think a) you are projecting the shake you feel about staying into what others may be thinking and b) you may be caring more and out what they think than needed.

The biggest way to heal is to heal your relationship with yourself.

I went scorched earth and never felt one ounce of regret over it, but that's me