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It has been one month since DD (my story is Valentines DDay in Just found out).
Today is mothers day (I am in the UK), it has been amazing, last week it was my birthday and on friday is our daughters birthday (I know March is busy for us), he has been amazing and maybe is even going a little overboard slightly but he has said he feels he has to make up for so much and wants to.
We are slowly getting there, even though it has been only a month we are doing good.
But ... i hate there is a but.
I still feel as though the other shoe is going to drop at anytime, like part of me is expecting him to be lying again or for all this to be a lie. That is what i am struggling with at the moment, the fact he lied to me and that the trust has been seriously damaged. He is doing everything I am asking of him and more. I know his phone password, he showed me his blocked lists on his social media and that the OW is blocked, he has shown me his contacts and that she is no longer on there and there are no new contact names i do not recognize plus i know the OW number and it was not there. Yet i still think 'has he really cut her out of his life' even when i know he has. I went through his phone the other day even though he has shown me everything. I want to trust him and we are rebuilding and restarting our relationship.
He has even brought up the conversation that he would be willing to have a vasectomy to allow me to come off contraception due to wanting me to live my best healthiest life, which led to us both having the conversation that neither of us are done having children so we will revisit that in a year. We aren't married and i have been more than hinting for years that I want to marry him, he has spoken about he was stupid to not ask me years ago and let little things build up instead of communicating things to me, but now knows that he wants to marry me (I have told him now would be a stupid time to propose) so we are talking about the future and working towards it but the trust is no where near to coming back for me.
I spoke with him about that i worry each time he has to go into our town (where the OW lives) and that when he goes for his walks (he has restless legs and evenings walks eases them so he can sleep) i am on edge, because him and the OW would talk alot each time he was on his walks. He has said he will phone me and stay on the phone with me while he is in town, that he will message me throughout his walks and show me his phone when he gets back. But still i feel anxious during those times and i just want it to go away.
Sorry this feels as though it has just been one long rant but my brain still feels so muddled most of the time and things are triggering me, if we are watching tv and there is a reference to cheating i go quiet, songs about cheating do the same. I am replaying conversations we had during the time he was cheating (6 weeks) wondering if anything he said was the truth and what was lies.
Will that ever end?
I am also finding the battle to not contact the OW harder and harder each day, I wouldn't even know what to say to her other than all the anger i have. It is like i have had it out with him but now it feels as though i want to have it out with her but i do not want to hear what she has to say. My therapist told me to write her a letter that i will never post, in it i put everything and most of it was just jumbled anger and asking why could she as we were also friends. I did feel slightly better afterwards and the urge to contact her went for a couple of days but it came back. I know it will do no good to contact her but the urge is really strong and I hate it because i am not an angry person and I do not feel like me at the moment.

Eryn,

Is he doing the work in IC?

Are you considering Therapy to help your healing?

It's hardly realistic he will change suddenly unless he digs on the deeper issues of "why".
It is truly important

You're almost definitely still in shock. You'll probably be in shock for 2-5 more months. My reco is to let your mind go where it wants to go and think before you act. For example, let yourself want to contact the ap, but don't do it. Let your mind wreak havoc on your WS, but don't do it.

Keep telling yourself, for at least a couple of months more, that your disorientation, anger, grief, fear, and shame are normal, and that it takes time to heal.

Keep telling yourself you will heal, because healing is eminently doable.

Keep telling yourself that this is a marathon, not a sprint.

You've been traumatized. Healing is not just a walk in the park. Healing is not logical; it's driven by feeling, not by thinking.

Patience, Eryn. Patience.

*****

IOW, letting go is a great step toward healing. It probably IS the hardest part. The more you give up trying to control the outcome, though, the better for you.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:07 PM, Monday, March 16th]

Hey Eryn,

Everything you’ve described is perfectly normal for a month or so past DD, all the things flying around in your head, the pain, the fear, the anxiety, the sleep deprivation etc etc, horrible, horrendous in fact but all perfectly normal.

The waiting for the other shoe to drop is perfectly normal too, I’m 16 months post DD and sometimes I wonder if that shoe is going to drop but guess what, you will know when it’s time to stop waiting, your BH has a lot of work to do to prove he is worthy of you now, let him!, it takes as long as it takes, trust is not rebuilt overnight.

I contacted the AP, it was one of the worst things I could have done and I’d advise against it, the only thing you should be focusing on now is yourself, if you don’t believe something your partner is saying then have him take a polygraph to clear anything up.

Take good care of yourself Eryn, keep posting.

Update.

I actually feel OK at the moment, i am being the kindest to myself that i have ever been and it is showing. I am allowing myself to feel what my body wants to feel and then letting it pass. Communicating what needs to be spoken about and as i have said it is showing. I spoke about that it had been my birthday, then mothers day and our daughters birthday was coming up, well our daughters birthday was on Friday and it has been a full on weekend. Not going to lie, i have been triggered, we had my side of the family over for her birthday and i found myself getting incredibly angry, i have spoken about the fact my sister was told 3rd hand about my WS cheating. I understand that she is angry with him but on Friday evening when she was in our home the looks she was giving my partner, the muttered words under her breath to my brother in law and the coldness of her presence was for me disgusting. In my mind she can be angry with him but to act how she is in mine and my WS home on our daughters birthday is not OK.
To be fair my WS was amazing he is not actively trying to speak to her but also being friendly and when i spoke with him about how angry it had made me and that i feel stuck in the middle when i have not done anything wrong other than make a decision she does not agree with (to stay with my partner and work through this), he spoke softly, kind, with understanding yet also firmly in reminding me she needs time and would it do anyone any good for me to go at her all guns blazing.
I do not know if she will ever forgive him, i hope that she will one day speak to him again but i am unsure.
Currently though i am dealing with X's at the end of our messages, before he actual cheated him and the OW were sending a stupid amount of X's at the end of their messages, which i knew about and called them both up on only to be told i was over reacting (yup coming to the realization that was the beginning of what was to come a couple of months later). Now he has started ending his messages to me with four X's, part of me wants the same amount as she got, thinking well if she got all those why cant i. But then i think why do i want them, is because she got that amount or that i miss the days when he would end messages with stupid amount of X's to me and want that back. I then think well would i appreciate that amount and feel the same as i did back when they did happen or would it be a reminder that she got the same amount? Ah the joys of being stupidly conflicted over a simple silly thing.
I am however feeling ready to be intimate with him again sexually, we are having a at home date night next week and have spoken about that i want to be intimate with him, we have agreed to a couple of code words for if i need reassurance but don't want to stop and if things need to stop which i feel has helped any anxiety either of us feel about it.

A note to anyone who has replied to any of my vents on here, thankyou so much your words have helped ease this time for me, i know there is still a way to go but i am very grateful.

I would say, take it slow, give yourself time, don't rush into ANYTHING, don't feel like you have to be "normal" or any kind of way for anybody whether it's him or your sister or whoever. Just be very gentle with yourself, you have been through a great shock as others here say. It's true. It pulls the rug out from under you.

As for him, it takes time to trust again, if you can. Don't beat yourself up either way, just realize it takes time and you have to see consistent effort from him. Consistent behavior, consistent effort. I think it helps - it might for me - to know why he did this and why he would not do this again. That would be my question - not just are you trying to placate me to keep us together, but....what have you learned from this? How does this fit into your plan of what you want from life? And that's a question for YOU too. This is a good time to assess what YOU want as well. You have to be assured that he really has changed on some level and that he has learned from this that HE does not want to do it again because......because why? He has to answer that. That's what I'd want to hear. And as I say, I would not want it to be just to make everything sweet at home again, but to see some real change and insight from him. Especially about your feelings. Not matter what though, it takes time, and expect to have occasional triggers because I think we all do. If all is going well and he is meeting your needs, expectations, seems to have learned, etc, you can learn to let the triggers pass.

I would not plan for marriage for any time soon, frankly, I'd talk to a lawyer before getting married and talk about the whole situation and see what he recommends for your protection and any children you have (I forget now if you do). He might recommend a pre-nup or some kind of arrangement to give you extra protection perhaps beyond the law so you have more security in a marriage with him. I would also figure out what you want to do long range on your own, why you personally want to achieve and how you can make a living on your own, either now or in the future, with kids because one never knows. It's always good to be able to bring in your own money and have independence just in case.

As for the OW. It's absolutely terrible when a friend or relative does this, I think it's unforgivable because in some ways that's a deeper relationship than even a marriage. A relative is blood. I think this would create more unpleasantness for you if you confront her or seek a confrontation. What will it do for you? What would it accomplish? I am not against confrontations, hell, I am not against fist fights, but I want you to do what's best for YOU. Would confronting her keep her in your life more....or would it help to cut her out? Are you just so angry you don't know what to do with it? Think about what this would accomplish for you and what the ripple effects might be as well. Maybe it's worth it for you, maybe not. My guess is she probably would put on a bold face and just be nasty to you, and you'd leave angrier than when you started. I'd probably pass up on this if it were me - unless he pushed herself back in my life for some reason. But if she's staying out....I think I'd keep her out and work on doing anger exercises - like the letter writing is a good one. I like boxing or breaking stuff ( in a safe way of course) that might get out physical anger....emotions are IN the body too, not just in the mind. Maybe you need to work it out in your body.

As for your sister - give her a big old mulligan. That means overlook. She's angry for you and I would be pleased to see it if it were me. I think it shows how much she cares about you and wants to protect you. I love that she's so angry with him. People SHOULD be angry with him!!!! I think you might be displacing anger you have at him, because you want to reconcile, towards her. I would not do that. Have a discussion with her about this and let her express how she feels and tell her you'd like a better atmosphere when she comes to visit. She can put on a face anyway. It's gonna take a while before she changes towards him because....frankly, he deserves the anger and she's right. She may need your help in learning how to handle it in a way that makes YOU more comfortable and that fits in with your goals. But don't reject her opinion either. A good sister is worth gold.