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Returning to this, the idea of renewed vows seems pointless either way. For what ends would you want to do this? To alleviate her guilt? Outside of this, what could someone who has already proven they can't stick to vows offer to you by proclaiming them again?

Is she going to start the ceremony by stating that when she said them last time, they were a lie? "This time though, I really mean them," wink.

You've already made those declarations, and she was unable to keep them. Why would saying them again accomplish anything but publicly embarrass you? Perhaps I'm projecting, but I'd certainly find the whole thing embarrassing and a slap in the face, especially if you are disclosing the affair to others.

Personally, I'd be thinking everyone was looking at me like a fool, standing there grinning as she states her declaration of loyalty toward the person she's already cheated on.

This is very much a side point, though; the concerns raised in my previous comment are by far the most prevalent issues to review.

It will be interesting to see where this ends up.

Thank you all for you comments.

We are still going strong.

To make a few things clear. There have been consequences. Biggest was seeing the disappointment in our teenage daughters eyes i think.

There have been others things too that have made it clear to her what she did was unacceptable.

I haven't insisted on monitoring her phone or location. She has chosen to show me her phone and when shes out she has been video calling or sending pictures or just calling with the people shes out with. I've not asked this. She decided to do this as she knows it helps.

She knows that helps me understand and helps rebuild the trust.

We openly talk about what happened and she absolutely takes responsibility. I do not only blame the OM she has that too. Now though she sees him as not a kind or caring person. He said on D day that he doesnt want to break up a family and gave a sob story about his own parents.
Since she said its over and has made it clear we are working things out and are happy. He has been pushing and giving more sob stories about why he needs her.
He shot himself in the foot sending a picture and asking for her to send him a top less photo. I've seen all the messages from the whole time and he has asked this a few times and she has always said no and given reasons.
She told me about the latest one and said its disgusting and clear he has no issue breaking up a family and that he only wants sex. She felt disgusted and used.

His last message he sent asking for help and he needed to see her and he has started taking medication to help him sleep as hes that stressed and needs support. He went on about how he has no one else to turn to and if she didnt help he doesnt know what he will do. She didnt reply. She did show me and said its all bollocks and she does not believe a word of it.

She has blocked him from ever returning to her place of work. She talked to his ex boss and gave a list of who she would have back and who to never include again.

She showed me he is on the block list.

There have been some really low moments when she has seen the damage done and she has broken down realising just how much she hurt me. She fully accepts responsibility and talked about when she tried blaming everything else going on right when I first found out. She says that wasn't true she was just trying to not be the one in the wrong but openly admits she was now and where we were had nothing to do with the affair. That was her choice and she could have done a hundred different things but chose that and caused all the pain.

Telling parents wont happen. Her dad is not well and wouldnt understand and her mum is extremely judgemental and would use it constantly in snide remarks or would accidentally let it slip to our youngest.

My mum is the biggest gossip too and would say something wrong and likely again infront of our youngest.

Another big thing is the change in our youngest.

He was all over the place for quite a while and always anxious. He had picked up on the tension she created during the affair but since we have started over he is chilled and happy. He even said to his teacher he feels like something has changed and hes happy for it. She loves that and also blames herself for how he was feeling before.

The OM does not have a parter or anyone else or I absolutly would have informed them.

He is as far as we are both concerned alone and forgotten.

I don't know where we will be in six months, a year, ten years from now. I know where i want to be and I know where my wife says she wants to be but we both know its a long journey to get there.

Something my wife wrote to me about love:

If she could tell her younger self what love is.
Its not what you expect. When you find real love you feel it in ways you dont expect. A cup of tea when your grumpy and medicine when you need it. It notices when you are sad and gives you a hug.
It genuinely wants whats best for you always. True love loves all of you even when you mood is bad or your hair is a mess. True love makes you laugh when its the last thing you feel like doing and true love loves you even through the toughest times. True love shows up and says I want to be here and I choose to be here. Thats what real love is.

Since she said its over and has made it clear we are working things out and are happy. He has been pushing and giving more sob stories about why he needs her.

Are you saying that after d-day he is still in contact with her?

I venture that 99 out of 100 here on SI will support that after d-day if there is a commitment to the marriage there should be NO interaction whatsoever.

We advise sending a no-contact letter. That letter is clear, concise and non-emotional. It goes something like:

OM – I have come to the realization that our relationship is wrong and harmful to my marriage. I have no wish to be in any contact whatsoever with you and ask that you refrain from any contact in any way or form with me.
Any breach in that request will be shared with my husband, and can have legal repercussions.

You need to listen to Bigger. She should have his number blocked. You are giving her credit for not responding. You are just kicking the can down the road and the probably with this is you need to keep kicking it, again and again.

We had a talk about blocking his number.

The reason she hasn't is because he has all her work details. This may sound trivial but if he realises hes blocked he would likely message her work phone. And in her position she has deputies who have access to all her work based communication methods from email to text and other services. They help manage her more mundane tasks and respond as her.

She is worried they will find out. It would have been fine as her past deputy is someone I know well, trust and who i asked to be the person at her work who knew what happened and could keep an eye out. They were transfered internally and a new deputy assigned to her who she would rather not know as then the whole world would know.

So she compromised. No response. Fully open with anything received and there hasn't been a peep for a while.

She did send a detailed message to him stating it is over and there will be no further contact or communication and to respect her wishes and that her primary and only concern was rebuilding my trust and working on our family.

She cant request a new phone or number for work as her one would be given out to another senior leader somewhere else in the country. And it would not be hard to work out from messages received who had the number first. Poor system but given who they are its understandable.

Also not possible to block numbers on the work phone and he knows this. So we find ourselves in a shite situation.