SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have never been a violent person but yesterday I found a video my wayward spouse had recorded of a 5 min online encountering a random person feom Facebook.

I strongly suspected awhile ago there was at leaat one interaction he had with one of the random women he was chatting with on Facebook. But yesterday I found ehat I thought was a porn video be becuase i could see a topless woman. When I clicked on it it was obviousb what itnwas. he had been screen recording a sexual encounter. There was no sound but they were chatting through messenger throughout.

She easily convinced him to show his dick on screen and then offered to show her more in a private video so he gave her his phone number. Then she proceeded to try to blackmail him about the video.

The whole thing was screen recorded,including him blocking her and deleting the convo.

He forgot to delete the video.

Previously he swore that although he had chatted to many many women he never actually met with anyone.

Needless to say we had a blowout fight, including me punching a wall repeatedly. To the point where I think I broke my hand.

What the heck? I've never been that angry in life.

I can't imagine what I would have done if he'd actually physically had contact with another woman.

Not sure where to go from here with this amount of anger.

He is beyond remorseful as well as being ashamed. Especially since this is our second go round with online issues.

When the rage hit me, I was gobsmacked. I talked to my therapist and was like "I’ve never Ruge’s like this in my whole life". She said"you’ve never had a reason to be that angry".

Don’t worry about the rage unless it doesn’t go away.

It really is scary how angry we can get. I like you, was always a non-violent person but holy did another side to me show about 6 months after DDay. I actually had more therapy because of it.

It does die down but I even now I’m still more of an angrier person in all aspects of life. Fortunately I haven’t hit or thrown anything for a while 🤦🏽‍♀️

Ouch! Based on my years of coping with multiple infidelities and lies, I have a theory about this kind of rage. It's caused by the tension between (a) what WE WANT so badly to be our (healing?) path out of betrayal NOT having to pull the plug on the M, versus (b) what we run up against that keeps showing us we aren't getting any closer to what we were promised. The longer this dynamic goes on, the higher the anger and frustration level can build, because WE REALLY DON'T WANT TO DIVORCE but an honest assessment is, we have every right to do so and likely it would get us out of infidelity more quickly.

In retrospect, I am sure I'd have saved myself developing severe hypertension and an enlarged heart, with all the medical care I now require, had I just cut the unworthy cheater loose on D-Day 1! But because HE didn't want to lose his M, round and round we went. Sucks.

He lied to you and you believed it.

Then you found out the truth.

That’s your rage. Perfectly understood IMO.

Hope things get better. Count this as a re-set of R and another Dday

So sorry for you.

Im so sorry you’re here. Something that helped me with my immense rage was to know that it was a secondary emotion to the hurt I was feeling.

The rage (married with action whether physical or verbal) became almost an addiction for me. I was losing myself to it, just like I was losing myself to all of the other tactics I was using to numb or control the pain.

With rage specifically, I remember sitting and allowing it to be present while refusing to put action to it in any way. I wouldn’t let it come out of my mouth or in any physical way. Once it sat with that long enough it would turn into the hurt that it really was and I was able to process it better. I did this repeatedly until I didn’t go there anymore.

It was not easy.

I’m sorry you’re here. Hugs.

I burned my wedding lingerie a couple days after DDay. I also beat my legs with a broom handle. I don't recommend either of these ways of dealing with anger.

Anger needs a way out (safely) so it doesn't consume us, but it's a right and natural response to pain inflicted by someone else. You have nothing to be ashamed of with your feelings. We *need* anger to protect ourselves from future pain. A less destructive way for me was to scream in the shower or in my car. And then have a good cry. We are only human, and we can only take so much. I hope you find a way to let it out that works for you (and doesn't damage your house or your body).