SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm 4 days in from finding out that what I thought was an emotional affair/kissing was a full blown relationship with lots of sex behind my back. I just honestly don't know how to deal with this I feel like I'm dying on the inside it's the worst pain I've ever felt. How do people get through this? I'm sat at home waiting for the kids to come back home as they are with him and I'm just going out of my mind 😔 i can't eat or sleep or function no matter what I do. Will this get any better or is this just it now?

Selenite, what you are experiencing is normal. This is TRAUMA in a big way. We are not exaggerating or using hyperbole. This is a big deal to your system. So you are in shock. And it takes more time than you want to get through this stage.

I’m sorry the TT was the worst kind - and what we always suspect. Cheaters are so original with their minimizing.

Go back to basics.

Get exercise daily, even if just walking around the block 10 times. It helps get some of that nervous energy out and helps you sleep.
If you can do more, do more.

Eat healthy food and drink lots of water. Avoid alcohol and drugs. Again, protect your sleep and your body. This kind of stress is damaging to our bodies, so do what you can to keep it nourished. And alcohol / drugs may offer temporary relief but ultimately make things worse. Ask me how I know.

Get your feelings out. Journal. talk -IC can really help. Pound on pillows, take up kickboxing. You have to be normal-ish when the kids are around, but let it out when you can. Who can you talk to IRL?

Sleep. you are probably getting crappy sleep. Practice sleep hygiene and see your doctor if you really aren’t getting enough.

Explore apps like Calm or other meditation ones. They can be really helpful when you start spiraling. I remember doing 10 minute meditations in my car in the Target parking lot when I was a mess driving. I would go to a conference room and do them there at work, too. Your mind is on high alert- what it thought was safe (your WS) is not safe, so now it is looking all around full time for more danger. You need to give it a break.

I found it hard to concentrate too. So watching light movies (Pixar, comedies, etc) worked better for me than complex shows or movies that required concentration. Find what helps you. You need to take these little brain breaks where your brain can focus on something other than the A for a little while. Some find cleaning cathartic when that energy is there and you need to redirect yourself. Again, try things to see what works.

But even with all this, the dreaded four-letter word is TIME. Be kind and gentle to yourself. You ARE STRONG and your WILL GET THROUGH THIS. Hang in there. Keep posting. Reread those bulls-eyed posts and the healing library. And believe in yourself, You can do this.

@ selenite I am so sorry that you are here and that this happened to you. I agree with all of the advice above . I promise you that you will feel better and get stronger with time. If all you can do is survive right now, that’s ok. You are in shock. Don’t worry about making any big decisions yet. Just focus on taking care of yourself. It will take a few weeks or more just to be able to feel like you can get out of bed. I am 2 months in and still confused all the time. Unfortunately it takes a lot of time to work through this as it is something that upends your life completely and puts into question everything you thought you knew about your peace , your home, and your person. But you are not alone. You are going to get through this.

I know your pain. I really do. I'm so sorry.

I am sorry you have had to continue to deal with this disrespect all this time from your husband being a liar and constantly cheating on you. Most of us if not all of us on here know how that feels. It is emotional and mental torture and pain.

When it happened to me I could not believe it. I made excuses and tried to explain it away. I blamed everything and everyone else including myself. I did everything I could to try to fix it and reconcile. To be honest I did too much too soon.

It is not your job to take the blame or do any of the work on trying to figure out why your husband could disrespect you and spit in your face as a liar and a cheater. He has to do that work. If he even genuinely wants to. How do you know? It takes a long time and a lot of hard work on his part and change on his part.

IN the meantime now you know who your husband is capable of being and what he is capable of doing to you. He has been a liar and a cheater with no regard for your thoughts and feelings and health or your vows of commitment to each other. That is who he is. Do not make excuses for it or try to explain it away. It is abuse and a traumatizing wound that he has inflicted upon you. He did that to you. That is the fact of the matter. It is not your fault that he would betray you in this heartbreaking and earth shattering way. It takes years to recover from. Some of us never do.

With that in mind my advice would be to leave him and file for divorce.

I made the mistake in my situation of trying to accept what had happened and hysterical bond and think things were getting better without really getting better because the work was not being done by my wife to change. I didn't want to give up. I was just hoping that she was changing. Hoping she understood the pain she caused. Hoping it wouldn't happen again. It was no way to live.

I had to have some respect for myself. He didn't have any for you when he was off getting naked and having sex behind your back with another woman and then coming home to you like nothing happened. You have to have respect for yourself because he doesn't have any for you.

The best thing I could have done was to leave. There has to be direct and significant consequences to someone assaulting you and inflicting wounds on you and hurting you like this.

If someone assaulted you on the street and caused you immense pain and suffering like you have never experienced before, would you hang out with them and try to figure out why they did it and see if you could be friends? Or would you file charges and get a restraining order and hope they go to jail?

Sometimes because we love someone so much our heart does not catch up with our brain. We hope for the best and give them the benefit of the doubt and explain things away and have faith and believe in a person who has just demonstrated to you that they are capable of constantly lying to you and cheating on you and disrespecting you and assaulting you and inflicting deep wounds of pain and suffering on you. And then they want us to forgive them and believe them and have sex with them because they say they are sorry?

The truth is it takes years to recover and heal from this kind of trauma that they have inflicted upon us. And it takes years to even know for sure or be able to tell if they are even really sorry or not, as evidenced by years of extremely remorseful continued changed behavior over time. And it is a gift that you would even consider granting them the privilege of sticking around for the opportunity that there might be a chance of reconciliation even happening at all in the first place after what they have done. You just have to have the self respect to stand up for yourself and not tolerate it.

If I had it to do all over again I personally would not stay. I would leave and file for divorce. Maybe they eventually realize the gravity of their assaults on us and do the work on themselves and fundamentally change who they are and reform whatever it is that allowed them to be so devious and treacherous to us. Maybe they don't. It is a long shot.

But you deserve someone who would never do this kind of thing to you in a million years. Especially when he swore to you in vows that he wouldn't. You deserve someone better.

I would work on myself and heal and move on. And then maybe eventually someone else will demonstrate loyalty and honesty to you and show you how much they respect you and how precious you are to them and how much value you have. Because your husband most certainly didn't show you that. And neither did my wife. They showed us the opposite. They were willing to butcher us and gut us for their own selfish pleasure.

In my case, I have moved on. Hang in there. Life does get better. Even without them.