Me: BS H: WS4 kids DD #1 7-11-08DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.Started R in 12-09"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."
“In the end it wasn’t what he did, it was what he didn’t do”
No truer words were ever spoken. Here we are, 16 years later, and H has basically given up on life. He lost his long time (almost 40 years) job in November. He hasn’t found one since then. You would think he would use the time to get all the things around the house that he "was going to get to" taken care of but, no. Apparently, sleeping, watching TV & looking at porn is the choice of activity for him. He won’t talk to a therapist and won’t do marriage counseling. It hasn’t always been like this. The past few years have just been bad. He’s had health issues but those have been addressed.
I’ve reached the end. I always wondered how do you know when it’s time to say divorce, well now I know. My time came when I could only look at my husband as someone I was taking care of. The bulk of everything falls on me. I work, I clean, I cook, I do the laundry…..I’m tired of not being a team and being the only one pulling the wagon. I don’t like who I’ve turned into when I’m with him. I’m a nag. I can understand the saying I love you but I’m not in love with you. I’ll always care about him. We’ve spent 40 years together. We basically grew up together. No, I grew up, he just got older.
I’ve decided I’m going to get my life together and once our adult son with autism is moved into a group home I’m going to tell him I’m done.
There’s nothing there for me 
This used to be the man I would turn to for comfort, shelter & love. Now he’s just a roommate. We haven’t had sex in almost a year. He’s suffering from ED. He’ll acknowledge that weight and no exercise is the issue but won’t do anything about it.
This is not how I expected my life to be at this point. I’m 56 and my life is going to look radically different a year from now. I didn’t have a choice when he had an A and I feel like I don’t have a choice now. He’s pulling me under and I finally have to save myself. I’m starting to feel dead inside. I want real love. I want adult love. I want to get as much as I give. I want a happy life.
My hope is that this doesn’t turn into a battle with lawyers. I just want to fairly divide things and we each go on our way. With one income for the past ten months it has put a huge dent in our rainy day fund.
It really wasn’t what he did, it was what he didn’t do🥺
5 comments posted: Friday, August 15th, 2025
How did you know it was time to give up?
We’ve been married 33 years. H had an A 13 years ago. We said we were going to try and things were better. We both worked to make things better and they did get better……until now. He’s been through some health issues and I’ve been there. He’s on Wellbutrin and Zoloft. He doesn’t show much emotion. He’s also getting testosterone injections that aren’t really helping his ED. Our sex life isn't very good. I don’t feel loved. I believe he has a porn addiction that he denies is an addiction, says all guys look at pictures and videos. I’ve asked him to go to counseling together and he’s said no. My life would drastically change if we divorced. I don’t want to give up the way of life that we have but, I want to feel valued and loved and I don’t.
We have a comfortable life. Together we make enough to be comfortable financially. We have decent vehicles, own our home and some recreational items. We own nothing on any of these.
I’m asking for wisdom. How did you know it was time to throw in the towel?
17 comments posted: Saturday, July 15th, 2023
