It’s been a year

Ok, so a year has passed since I found out that WS had been having sexual conversations with many, many other women. It’s been a year since I have found out that this has been going on almost our entire 16 year relationship. However it’s been nine months since I found logs of conversations that spanned months and four months since I found logs that spanned years. He had two major relationships that I could tell.
One lasting about 5 years and the other lasting about 4ish. I do not have access to even look earlier on because those laptops are gone.

My WS is in IC for sex addiction, online. It’s not what you think though. He never shared photos or identifying information about himself. He was all about being anonymous. As a gamer he leaned into virtual sex/porn games and a platform that was world wide for him to live in outside out real life. That’s just a small recap of that situation.

Where I am…WS has never told me any truths that I didn’t find backing him into a corner to tell me or just to realize I know what he has done. He lied when we ended our separation and came home, knowing I didn’t have the full picture. He lied when I found the first set of logs, because my gut told me there was more I didn’t know. He lied when he said "now you know everything" after I confronted him about those logs. I had to find his big, recent file that would contain him crossing the line into the real world and using sex toys over the internet with his online girlfriends.

Lie after lie…and on top of the sex stuff within these sex laden conversations with these long term connections…he told these people that he: loved them, cherished them, missed them…and everything under that sun. Only to tell me that meant nothing and was just a game…that he perpetuated over years…? I think he is also lying to himself. I am angry, and done giving his any grace…I want true accountability, not forced because it’s what happened.

I’m starting to approach the feeling we may not make it. And it’s only been a year. Anyone else feel like this? Thoughts?

Thank you.

6 comments posted: Thursday, May 15th, 2025

Odd way to be betrayed=Confusing.

Hello. I could really use some advice and while I’m starting couples therapy and have been in my own therapy it feels like I’m walking in a ring of hell. Btw together almost 20 and married for 7

Back in April 2024 I came across a message in an app I didn’t recognize or heard of in my husbands phone—Discord. I was closing out his alarm app bc it kept going off, and something told me to peek. Honest to god never felt like I should have before, never really had that urge but his odd love for baths was getting out of hand—red flag #1.

Saw the preview of the messages of these screen names calling him "baby" and "RL comes first". My stomach turned into knots and I quickly took a picture of his screen to over analyze later. Because at the present time I had to move on with my evening with my young children. The next two days I looked in to whatever this app is all the while not being able to look him in the eye. Of course he brings this up and I feign being concerned about my workload. So he goes to take a shower on the third morning and I decide I have to know what’s in those messages. And what I found had me shaken to my core. He is sexting with random women on the internet. Role playing, so typing out all they are "doing" to each other. And surprise, surprise, while I’m getting my kids ready for school, he is online at present on his computer in the bathroom. Of course I freak and get off his phone and when he comes out of the bathroom he sees something written all over my face, and asks what he did wrong. (The audacity, and preview of the depth of this betrayal to not even think about his actions he hidden from me)

To make a long story, not crazy long, I flip out on him and when he wouldn’t leave me alone so I could get the kids ready I made a scene and flew out of the house. Later that day we meet at the house and I find out that he has been doing this our WHOLE RELATIONSHIP. He has never shared this part of himself and apparently interacts this way with several people a night. On the porn websites (which tbh I never cared about—but now I do). He has watched some cam girls, been on live sex chat websites and played countless porn games. I kicked him out immediately, drafted a temp child care plan and proceeded to breakdown. After a month he somehow weaseled his way back in. Because he was my partner for so long and I missed him and he had been doing the work and was showing his commitment. All my new found sleuthing hobbies has also verified anything he told me about his current activities.

Fast forward 9 months and I’m going through all the roller coasters, realizing things I never did before. Asking questions I didn’t think of before. Realizing he wasn’t keeping up therapy for a so called "sex addiction" and there I am trying to "meet his needs" because he claimed that it helped. But I quickly realized I couldn’t keep up. I work out early in the day, have school age kids and a full time job. Also kids sports are involved.
I don’t have tons of time for much else, not that, at a baseline I wouldn’t want to you know, but: momlife!

Where I am now: Addicted to searching the hard drives of our laptops finding many of his logs of these encounters. Have confronted him and got him to confess to having online roleplay girlfriends, wives, pets, toys and everything else under the sun. Found out at least 3 of these encounters were steady for over a year at a time. It’s 2/7 and two days ago I found out that with at least one encounter not only had it been over a year but he was controlling her sex toy via the internet. So they were pleasuring themselves at the same time, he was "physically"controlling the pace of their "encounter" via the internet.

Yall….i wanna cut and run. I will say despite that horrific revelation I’m finding it hard. We make good partners in life(if I had never known, it’s what I would have always said). Common interests, enjoy hanging with our kids, similar life ideologies. But please, I need community here I guess….. He says he is willing to do anything. But he has lied to me our entire relationship, then when confronted with the discovery, still didn’t tell me everything. If I wasn’t obsessed with needing to know, chats and stuff he deleted in a panic(I found on the hard drives), I wouldnt know the depth of this betrayal

How can I stay? Part of me really hopes I can ever believe a word from his mouth again. Part of me says, this is the end. It’s such a struggle it’s embarrassing.

Thanks for reading, sorry it’s a book. Also it’s my first post. I don’t have those abbreviations down.

27 comments posted: Monday, February 10th, 2025