Can’t live with my decisions

Hi,

Short story: Was with BP for around 18 months and started doubting relationship due to poor conflict resolution. Also started new job and finished exams which gave me a lack of purpose, this turned my attention to start a 2/3 week EA at my local gym as I rationalised that I was going to end my other relationship. Had a date with AP one week before ending with BP, then EA turned PA few days after ending with BP. I immediately felt guilt, regret, shame but spoke to a friend who told me it’s normal and to see how I feel following day. I didn’t see at the time but this was the beginning of the addictive cycle. Lived a double life for months where contact was on / off with both people as I was trying to make the ‘perfect’ decision to resolve the issue instead of just being transparent with both people, in hindsight this would have been much better.

Back with BP now as she has forgiven and says she doesn’t really think about it much unless I raise it. She says we were technically broken up for most of it so isn’t holding onto it.

For me, I am having suicidal thoughts every other day as I have fucked up my life irreparably. I had some mild childhood trauma where my dad had a sex change when I was 10 which clearly shaped a lot of my beliefs and fears regarding relationships and commitment. I’ve likely got a sex addiction for specific kinks which were also experienced during the affair. I’m finding it difficult to live with my bear reality as a cheater, I’ve lost my appetite and can’t sleep, had to go on sertraline to deal with fear of abandonment and change. I’ve got autism which exacerbates fear of loss, fear of change and obsessive rumination. My mind won’t let me move on until this problem and these emotions are ‘resolved’.

I crave routine, stability and security but have self sabotaged it at every opportunity in my life, likely linked to the trauma. I’ve lost ability to maintain my basic routines of bodybuilding which requires consistent appetite, sleep and recovery. I feel now as though I can’t be the father and partner I wanted to be, although BP believes I still can. Family and friends have been supportive but can only offer surface level advice such as new hobbies and keep busy etc. Also, everyone tells me to stop reading on the internet as those stories aren’t me so I can’t assume I’ll have the same end result.

I’m starting EMDR soon but don’t feel as though this will relieve me of my shame, guilt and anxiety as there is no way to change the fact that I cheated for months, even if not technically in a relationship. I feel like I’ll never be able to love and trust again, which is usually how the BP would feel!

Looking for realistic expectations of what the future could hold if I commit to doing the work and what that work should be centred on. BP is convinced that I would never have seen what true love is if I hadn’t gone through this and sees it as opportunity to be better, all I see is lost opportunity at the life I should have created for us.

WP (32)
BP (29)
AP (29)

Started July 24’, no contact (on 7th attempt) from March 25’.

Dday1: Feb 25’
Dday2: Mar 25’

3 comments posted: Friday, August 8th, 2025

Emdr Therapy

Hi,

Posting this in general to get more responses.

Has anyone got experience of a their wayward or being a wayward and doing EMDR therapy?

What was worked on? What were the results?

Also if any betrayed partners have used EMDR, did it help?

6 comments posted: Thursday, August 7th, 2025

Therapy for the WP

What can the WP focus on in therapy to help with intrusive thoughts and c-ptsd symptoms from an affair?

Short story: Had an overlapping relationship / exit affair which ended after 3/4 months and back with BP. My shame, guilt, regret, grief, anxiety is making me unhealthily codependent on BP and straining attempts at R. For me it feels like life or death for R to work.

I’ve gotten a grasp on my ‘Why’s’ so it’s now trying to stabilise mentally.

Also find a lot of therapists try to ‘coddle’ and chalk it up as a ‘mistake’ rather than being real about the actions and consequences.

4 comments posted: Saturday, July 5th, 2025

Successful self sabotage

I am WP (32M), BP (29F).

We had been together 18 months at time of A, lives together for most of that. Although house shared with others. Dating period progressed very quickly to monotonous relationship and I was very busy studying towards professional exams so admittedly didnt focus enough on the relationship or work on myself.

A series of disagreements and difficulties arose between months 14-16 which we didn’t have the skills to resolve healthily. Prior to that we had also toxic disagreements which I found draining due to my autism. I felt we were incompatible and started feeding the idea that I wanted to separate but procrastinated for many months. In this time I started talking to someone at my local gym.

This progressed to a few dates and we slept together a few times before I initiated split with BP. At the time I was set on not continuing with either of them.

However, due to poor emotional control / boundaries and indecisiveness I was on / off talking with both and developed a rebound relationship with AP as we were in gym together a lot. This went on for around 3 months and we slept together again but also spent a lot of time building a connection.

After a few months I realised the size of the problem and tried to cut off AP numerous times but struggled to maintain boundaries again. Was also offered multiples time the opportunity to end with BP but felt this horrible sensation in my body that kept stopping me.

Have ended up back with BP after a few months of TT, she wants to stay together and still sees marriage and kids on the table. I have been severely ill mentally, pervasive anxiety, depression etc.

I have ended up on SSRI’s as have been having suicidal thoughts for months since disclosure. I feel like a different person who is unable to fulfil my dreams and potential.

Initially stayed with BP out of fear of eternal loneliness and death. After months together she is showing the much maturer side of herself that I wished had been present beforehand. Not sure if I am also more ‘compatible’ now due to my mental illness and severe change in personality and character.

Everything makes me sad and depressed as I know my life will never be the same again and my autism struggles with this, as well as lack of routine I now have. I used to go gym 5 x a week and eat well. This used to ground me day to day but I cannot keep it up at the moment.

By heart I am a builder, whether that’s building a career, physique or home. I wanted to build a family but now feel this dream, or that way I envisioned it is now over. I was naive to enter a rebound relationship and also didn’t appreciate that great relationships are built rather than found.

Looking for advice on how to navigate this crisis and get control over symptoms. BP wants a baby next year which seems way too soon given the scenario.

Thanks

8 comments posted: Tuesday, June 17th, 2025

Fear: A self fulfilling prophecy

1 comment posted: Saturday, June 14th, 2025

Starting over after failed R

Any Waywards who has to start over after failed R?

4 comments posted: Saturday, June 14th, 2025

What does being healed feel like?

At what point would you consider yourself healed?
E.g. Doesn’t interfere with day to day life

And what are reasonable expectations for healing?
E.g. No intrusive thoughts

11 comments posted: Monday, June 9th, 2025