SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As I read through the forums I often think:

"man my wife could really benefit from this thing orthat thing"

I have found SI very helpful personally, and I wonder if she would as well.

In reality I realize this is my selfish attemp to nudge her in the right direction. Not sure that's wrong though.

This has come up before on SI and some people warn against it, while others talk abouthow helpful it can be.

Should I suggest my wife read these forums? Should I periodically print things out for her to read? Should I leave things be?

I have mixed feelings.

My husband and I were both on SI, though he participated far more lightly than I did. However, for at least the first year, he read everything I wrote, and we discussed it extensively off the site. SI was invaluable to me, both the input of WS (who were a far larger presence on the site back then) and the feedback of BS. It's hard to hold tight to your preconceived, destructive notions when member after member chimes in to agree that your plan of action will harm more than help.

I have been astonished at the grace and kindness of many of the BS here, and I have tried to repay that by offering back my perspective as a reformed WS. The opportunity for those interactions is a big part of the brilliance of SI, which was founded jointly by a BH and WW finding their way out of the destruction of her infidelity.

At the same time, a WS can't be reached unless they are truly open to being reached. I've seen WS dragged here resentfully. I've seen them loudly proclaim a version of events that turned out to be a total lie. I've seen them self-flagellate in ways that are clearly performative instead of productive. I've also seen them attacked, relentlessly, by angry members who identify with the BS and believe that the only healthy outcome is the breakup of the marriage. One BW had an actual breakdown from the effects of that campaign. It's not a place for the faint of heart, though if they stick to the Wayward Forum, there are protections there.

Other members will point out the value of SI as a safe space. It's true, once you invite your spouse in the door, they have a front row seat for the advice you receive, and that advice will often not be to their advantage. If you're leaning towards divorce, I would think twice before tipping your hand.

My reco is not to invite your spouse unless you are very sure they are committed to R. My reco is to maintain your ability to write freely, and that means not having your spouse know what you write. Perhaps I'm recommending treating SI as a friend of yours but not your partner's.

R requires actions that change the WS and BS. While reading is an action, it does not necessarily change anyone's behavior. The fact that SI helped you doesn't mean that it will help everybody.

But hope springs eternal. Like many others BSes, I asked my W to join SI shortly after I found it. Happily, she refused. She wanted me to have a safe place, she said. (Yeah, that's shorthand for, 'I don't want to reveal myself to strangers at this point.') I realized I was writing a lot of stuff that I didn't want my W to read, because I was a work-in-progress. I wrote about ugly thoughts that were set in concrete on the page but were still fluid in my mind. SI helped me resolve the issues, and I told my W about the sausage of resolution, but I didn't tell her about how the sausage was made. It's rarely beneficial to see WIP.

Eventually, about 2 years out, W wanted some support that I had no interest in giving. I directed her to join SI and ask for support from other waywards. We set up a couple of ground rules: 1) she was to stick to the WS forum; 2) we were to avoid reading what we wrote; 3) if we did find ourselves reading the other's post, we were to back out immediately after realizing it; 4) we were not to post on each other's threads; 5) we were not going to fight on SI (which some couples do).

Also, we were both committed to R, and R was going pretty well. We were still seeing our MC, so we were both pretty sure we could resolve any issues that arose from us inadvertently reading something that was best kept private.

W didn't post a lot. She said responses to her first post were 'a little harsh' . She persisted, though, and she received and gave support for a couple of years. As time went on, we shared a few of posts and threads with each other. Eventually we cancelled all but the 5th rule.

Both of us being SIers worked for us - but I believe that's because I had 2 years of SI on my own.