I didn't mean to be insulting to anyone; I was trying to preemptively explain why I didn't want to date boys/young men my age, which tends to be asked any time I talk about my history with older men. Generally boys/young men just take a while to fill out, put on muscle mass, start growing thick and consistent facial hair... And I think girls/young women tend to mentally and emotionally mature a bit faster generally too. It takes everyone, regardless of gender, time to get things like driver's licenses, cars, well-paying jobs, a place of their own, etc. These things are what I was interested in for my dating experience around 2015/2016, and so with those search parameters in place, I was having much better matches with people who were in their 40s and older at the time, which were Gen Xers.
Not to go too far off subject or veer into inappropriate territory, but with regard to the ED problems... Young men my age back then seemed to be able to get erect enough to have sex with, but not erect as they could be. I noticed a distinct difference between older men and younger men in this regard, which is counterintuitive (especially after having been teased by younger people about my "elderly husband" assumedly not being able to get it up, which couldn't be further from the truth...) I think there are several explanations for this:excessive and progressively more unusual porn consumption due to internet access that Gen Xers didn't grow up with, increased SSRI use because of the mental health crisis, lower testosterone levels from exposure to endocrine disruptors (in hygiene products, the environment, food, etc.), and generally lower cardiovascular health and worse body compositions, as young people are becoming progressively less physically active and becoming overweight at younger ages, setting them up with poor habits, less muscle mass, poorer physical conditioning, and more body fat as they move from a phase of life where physical activity is kind of built in (gym class, sports, activities with friends, etc.) to a more sedentary phase (spending most of their time working, often at sedentary jobs, and having to "make time" for intentional exercise, sports, or physically active time with friends/family.) All of these factors contribute to a phenomenon I call The Softening.
There's also the fact that young adults are not being treated like adults or expected to achieve independence from their parents until later and later in life... I moved out of my parents' house when I was 18 and haven't lived with them since. Nowadays, it's not uncommon for young people to be 25+ and still living with their parents. They're getting their drivers' licenses later (maybe because they can't afford cars and car insurance?), being driven around by friends, parents, public transportation (where available) or generally choosing to live places where they don't need to drive (like college campuses.) Many of the ones I work with who aren't in school right now aren't even working except for the one weekend a month that we're there; they just live with mum and dad and do what they want all day... That probably stems from both social and economical causes, but point being... If you're a young person and you want someone who can drive, has their own place, is financially secure/responsible and can afford to take you on nice dates or on trips and whatnot, your dating pool becomes increasing older the later in life people are achieving these things. I realized this by age 18. I still understand it to be true as a 30 yo with a kindergartner and college-aged step children.
I always saw him as an adultier adult, and there was deference there that shouldn’t have been. I feel like at some point the scales tipped and I came to believe that not only was I his equal, there were strengths I had that he did not.l and this diminished him to me because of the way I thought of myself.
One of the phrases that are associated with Millenials is "I don't know how to adult." I watched online as people in my generation graduated high school and university and then tried to figure out how to budget for groceries, get health insurance, find jobs, pay their taxes, and other kinds of "adulting" one has to figure out when becoming independent from one's parents. They were honest about the struggle of learning, and feeling like they didn't have it all figured out yet... I felt really grateful to have my husband, who, like you said, also seemed to me to be an "adultier adult" and knew how to do these things already. Even just recently, for example, I had no idea how to register my kid for kindergarten. I didn't even know what school district we were in since we moved in 2024, or when the deadline was. I'm sure I would have done enough googling and figured it out, maybe with a few challenges or mistakes made. But I didn't have to, because my husband knew, and had experience having had kids before, and he completed the registration process effortlessly... Meanwhile, over the course of our relationship, I've had to teach him things like "it's okay to express your emotions and affection" and "this is typically how couples resolve conflict, by listening to one another and picking the best option based on the collective reasoning" and "you need to eat all of the food groups for optimal health and weight management..." I couldn't tell you what goes all goes into forming a business entity on the legal side, but these days I'm able to say to him "Here's how you could utilize various forms of social media to market the business you just started..." So yeah, our strengths are different, but I think complementary.
It was almost like there had been a pedestal I put him on him on that shifted. But that shift involved elements where I needed to grow in areas concerning respect, loyalty, etc.
I look back and realize that if someone was my equal they didn’t have the same value because. The value I placed in myself was much lower than it should have been.
I identify with these statements as well. I don't know if I've said it, HikingOut, and I know we've had our disagreements here, but I do really appreciate your guidance and insight in the earlier parts of my recovery journey. I don't think I would have gotten to the conclusions I got to if not for you. So thank you for that!
[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 4:11 PM, Thursday, October 8th]
