SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We have a neighborhood couple that we've been friends with for 25 years and are very close to. Yesterday, I saw one of them (the woman) walking the dog so we chatted a bit. I told her that WS and I are separating. She asked why. I said he had an affair a few years ago, regretted it, but we haven't been able to work things out. She was sympathetic, sad, and also understanding - saying that both of us are good people, and she's sorry things didn't work out.

Later in the day, I mentioned all this to WS, and he had a complete meltdown. He accused me of violating his privacy by disclosing to them and said that I should have talked to him first so we could discuss how to tell people about the split and what we're going to tell people. I pointed out that I was just being honest with someone who is like family to us, and also that he's still trying to control the narrative and protect his self-image. He wanted me to apologize, and I refused, saying that I didn't think I had done anything wrong. I added that going forward, I will try to hold back from disclosing details, but that if someone asks me directly if he cheated, I will not lie.

So I'm asking you all for a sanity check - was I in the wrong? Should I be collaborating with him to figure out how and when we're going to tell people that we're separating?

I also feel like he still lacks humility about all this, and if people think badly of him for cheating, that is a consequence he has to bear for his actions, though so far, nobody who knows has shunned him. In fact, everyone has been very understanding, but he is terrified about "being judged." I just want to be able to speak honestly to friends and family. Am I being unfair or too harsh?

Ack, I just noticed the typo in the subject line. Not sure if a mod can edit it to remove the word "some", but if so, I would much appreciate it.

I added that going forward, I will try to hold back from disclosing details, but that if someone asks me directly if he cheated, I will not lie.

She asked why. You told her. Telling her anything else would be lying. Of course, he'd want you to do that as he is still selfish and wants to pretend, he didn't betray his wife. If STBX didn't want everyone to know he shouldn't have done the crime.

His affair has had a huge impact on your life. You are allowed to tell people about things that have happened to you in your own life. You were not in the wrong.

His reaction would just keep affirming why you are separating. You have every right to tell WHOEVER you want to. There is no rule book for this and it was not lying. He's probably embarrassed, but it is what it is and is WHY you are separating in the first place.

You’re not being unfair or too harsh, you’re just being honest. After everything you’ve been through, you have every right to share your truth with people you trust, especially those who’ve been like family for 25 years. You weren’t gossiping or trying to humiliate him, you answered a direct question from someone who genuinely cares.

That said, I also think there’s no right or wrong when it comes to stating the reason for separation. The decision to share the why behind a separation is very personal. You clearly feel comfortable being open about the infidelity and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. If I put myself in your shoes — at this exact point in time — I think I’d probably lean more toward keeping the reason vague. Something like "irreconcilable differences" or "we’ve grown apart over the years and decided we would be better off separating" would feel more in line with my comfort level. But again, that’s my boundary, not yours and it doesn’t make either of us wrong. You get to decide what feels authentic for you, and you’ve done that.

His meltdown seems less about your honesty and more about image management. And you’re right, protecting his self-image shouldn’t take precedence over your right to speak your truth. He’s still trying to control the narrative, and it sounds like there’s still a real lack of humility on his part. It’s understandable to want privacy, but real accountability means accepting that there are consequences, including people finding out.

I think your offer to collaborate moving forward was generous, but you’re also right to set a boundary that you won’t lie.

Nope You did the right thing

He did the crime, worse than stealing money, and now wants You to deny reality!

He wants You to become a liar like him? He wants to turn You into him.

Send him a link to Henry Rollins video "liar"

Go further put it on Facebook, bill boards, tell his relatives, friends, future significant others, his parents, warn his male friends not to trust him around their wives, print tee shirts.

Tell him to call a whambulance cry cry cry

If you want you want to make your divorce as difficult, rancorous, and contentious as possible, then take survrus's advice and put your WH on blast to all and sundry.

Otherwise, I think that your response to him was reasonable: you're not going to volunteer the information but if someone asks you, you're not going to lie.

The only exception would be your family or friends you don't share with WH. You should be able to speak freely and seek support from your people.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:51 PM, Thursday, August 7th]

I guess if he didn't want people to know he cheated - he shouldn't have cheated.

You don't have to hide reality because he can't face it. The Mirror of Truth is a Bitch.

Not unreasonable at all. This was not a casual acquaintance with no need to know. But if I were you I’d be more strategic and not poke the bear while your divorce is still ongoing. After the deal is sealed feel free to disregard his feelings. After all, he set the precedent for that.

If you tell the truth - you don't have the problem of remembering what you said - omitting details? circumstance? marriage vow violation? etc.

Anything less than the truth is "lying by omission" - so your are burdening yourself with "what did I say last time?"

Tell cheating hubby to take a long walk off a short pier.

I'm definitely not going scorched earth with this! LOL We have only just agreed to separate, and the divorce is a ways off (we decided to stay legally married because there's a chance we'll be moving to another country next year, and WS has dual-citizenship there but I don't, so I wouldn't be able to live with our kid for her final year of school). I need to stay on good terms with him, not only for the separation & divorce process, but also for our kid's sake.

The consensus seems to be that he isn't owed privacy on this topic, so I'm glad to hear that. I pointed out to him that if he didn't want people to judge his behavior, he should've behaved better, but then he went down the (now well-established) path that he had mental health problems and there were a lot of things he should've done differently, and he regrets it all, etc..

And yet he couldn't let go of the idea that I had wronged him in this situation.

As crazyblindsided said, his recent behavior keeps reinforcing my decision to leave him. He is acting resentful and entitled about R (which I predicted would happen when he said he was making a bunch of changes for me/to win me back), and claiming that I'm the one giving up on the marriage and therefore I should feel guilty. Sometimes I can resist engaging with him, other times (like yesterday), I end up arguing with him.

It’s no longer his private issue once it impacts you.

Are you clear of the legal implications of remaining married?
Not saying you should divorce, but rather that both of you are very clear on legal commitments, obligations and expectations while still married. This varies state-by-state, country from country, but generally a married couple is seen as a single financial/legal entity.
For example:
He might be using a credit-card that was issued while you were still together. He might build up debt, cards go to collections, and they will also be knocking on your door...
You have a medical emergency and are in a coma. As your husband, it’s his call when to switch you off...
Any savings, pension, 401k accumulated from date of separation until possible final divorce can be seen as marital assets when d is finalized...

I strongly suggest you look at how to make the separation formal, even if that’s by having an attorney create some agreement about it.

NoThanks, the fact that you're in a weird state of legal and relationship limbo makes your situation more complicated. You're not getting divorced from him in the near future and you're relying on your legal marriage to him in order to establish residency in the country you, he, and your daughter are moving to. Also, from your previous posts, it's seems that you're still at least somewhat reliant on him for assistance because of your disability.

Although I don't think you were wrong to tell your friend or anyone close to you about his cheating, your circumstances make it necessary for you to take his feelings into consideration-- even if that's a courtesy he's not entitled to or deserves--for the sake of your peace, sanity, and (to put it bluntly) getting what you want out of him.

I also second Bigger's advice that you get legal advice and seriously weigh the risks/benefits of divorce as well as the legal implications of filing for divorce if you move to a different country. Divorce is costly but at least those costs are known and finite; there's really no limit to how much a spouse can cost you while you're married to them.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:58 PM, Friday, August 8th]

Nope. You are free to tell the truth, not required to lie to protect hi. F' that BS.

My wife got upset with me when I told her I reached out to her affair partner's wife and told her about the affair. She said you should have discussed this with me first She asked what if this woman comes into my work and causes a scene I could lose my job

I asked what if she found your sext messages on his phone and came into your work? And where was this concern for your job security while you were having your affair?

This of course took the wind right out of her sails because she had no reasonable response. You are under no obligation to protect his reputation from his bad decisions.

[This message edited by WB1340 at 5:11 PM, Friday, August 8th]

Excellent advice BluerthanBlue.

I appreciate the concern and advice. We are filing for legal separation (in California, a no-fault state), so all property will be legally divided up. I'm not letting things continue in some fuzzy "living apart" situation, and according to my lawyer, the divorce paperwork is very quick and easy if we are legally separated. The bulk of the work will be done as part of the separation.

The potential move (to Canada) will be decided by Feb/March of next year, so depending on the status of the paperwork at that time, if we decide to stay in California, we might proceed directly to a divorce.

When we told our kid (15yo) about the separation, one of her questions was about the move and whether she'd have to choose between moving with him and staying here with me. I said absolutely not. We won't do that to her. Absolute worst case, I'd move to somewhere across the border in the US so that I could see her on weekends (right now she sees her dad on the weekends). Even if we did move together, I'd come back to the US once the kid is off to college (a year later).

As for the disability, I've discovered that I can manage on my own just fine in a small apartment. Where I need WS's help is with our much larger house. He's still deciding if he wants to buy me out or if we're going to sell/rent the house, but either way, I'm not living there and I won't be responsible for its upkeep.

Boo fuckinghoo for him.

This is his mess, he did this to you. You have no obligation to protect his reputation, he decided that when he had an A.

One of the consequences of infidelity is that the betrayed spouse has the.power and the right to tell whomever they please about the infidelity trauma and who caused it. It must be quite a shock for cheaters,when against all.expectations their.treachery is discovered and the betrayed spouse.often finds that it is therapeutic to tell.others.It was hard at first, for me to tell.my adult children about their mother's several affairs, but I needed to do it. The fact that my WW chose to be part of the process, joining me.in.person as part of the sincere contrition she felt she.must do, helped.me.immensely in my healing.