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How do I stop ruminating about my husband and his AP? We are separated and getting a divorce but I’m devastated about his affair after 27 years of marriage. I don’t want them to be happy together, it hurts so much.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you're hurting. Infidelity is the worst. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage newbies to read. Also, there are some that aren't pinned that are really helpful and you can find them by looking for the bull's eye icon. The Healing Library is at the top of the page. One of the articles in the Healing Library is called Mind Movies and How to Stop Them. You can copy & paste this link in your browser:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/how-to-stop-mind-movies/

Are you in IC (individual counseling)? My second therapiest was a betrayal trauma specialist and was very helpful in getting me past the rumination. Another thing that helped was learning meditation. I have an app that I used and they had a series to learn how to meditate. Learning to meditate has taught me that I can take a deep, grounding breath and bring my mind back to the present. It was work getting there because my concentration was shot.

It takes time and healing to get through this. If you're having trouble with depression or with sleeping, please see your doctor for some meds. You can take them through this tough time and then eventually go off of them.

Sending bad mojo to one's betrayer is about as minor a crime as one can commit, IMO. I still wouldn't give the time of day to W's ap or her H. I'm OK with that being part of my Karma.

The rumination is some sort of pain coming almost into your awareness. IME, the way to stop the rumination is to identify the feeling(s), and feeling them. That means the rumination is feeling pain directly.

The thing is: true feelings are pretty fleeting, whether the feelings are happy or not. IOW, even happy feelings are fleeting. Once you've felt them, they're gone. So feeling the anger, grief, fear, shame, whatever underneath the rumination is the quickest and most powerful way of ending it.

I'm very sorry you are going through ruminating. It's a very common problem in recovering from being betrayed, for what that is worth.

Hi, Lotus, so sorry you find yourself here.

Honestly, it's going to take awhile (not sure when you discovered the affair), probably years to move through the betrayal.

The best thing you can do is seek a great therapist who can guide you through this messy chapter of your life.

Lean on trusted family and friends or member of the clergy if you are so inclined for support, put yourself first in all things.

Keep busy, exercise, meet up with friends, find a hobby, volunteer, travel, anything to give you brief respites from your thoughts.

I remember the early days when my first thoughts when opening my eyes were of the betrayal and so many uncontrollable thoughts throughout the day and my last thoughts at night. I made a huge mistake for the most part isolated myself, which I think was really detrimental to my healing.

Post as often as you need to.

All the wealthy people dumping their partners and showing off all over the internet will run right into reality at some point. The person they are now with are human beings with occasional bad breath, gall stones, intestinal issues, bad moods, etc. They are not gods and goddesses.

What you need to do is accept this and find some way to look for happiness. This is your one life. Do not let despair own you. Grieve and then go do something. Join a book club…better yet, write a book. Learn to knit. I just read how good it is for your brain. Join a hiking group. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Better yet…get a dog, or two. Make sure they like to cuddle. If you allow him one more minute of sadness it is a minute you can’t get back.

And I send you a hug.

Give it time. The pain will lessen. The hurt will go away.

Be patient with yourself.

Here’s my two cents.

They may look happy now. But just remember back to the days when you first met your STBXH and how things were happy and new and exciting.

27 years later and the food shopping isn’t fun - it’s a chore. His snoring isn’t cute. Her over spending is frustrating. You get the idea.

A relationship built on lies and deception cannot last. At some point one of them will cheat. And knowing how this relationship started, there is going to be mistrust inherent in the relationship from the beginning.

Now the STBXH may never admit he’s made a mistake. He may stay with the OW to save face. But it’s safe to say that he’s not financially 100% invested b/c he’s going to have to pay alimony and/or child support etc. which will irk the OW to no end and she may start to feel cheated. Resentful.

Just know you can’t always believe what you see.

I hope this helps you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:07 AM, Monday, August 11th]

This has been my first post and I’m so glad to read these responses. They are filled with things I need to hear from thoughtful people. I sincerely thank you all. It helps. I never expected to go thru this, as I’m sure like many others on this forum. It’s a horrible thing the go through. Yes, I wake and the betrayal is the first thing that hits me, then the anxiety. June 6th was the day I found out. It is still very raw. The thought of my husband with this other woman just disgusts me. I’m still trying process that this has even happened. We have been together since college, we were best friends, have two amazing adult kids and have had many wonderful years together until…🫣 I have been meeting with lawyers and trying to get my finances figured out. I have high ambitions of picking up a new hobby (like someone said about knitting 😊) and I like to be active so I do belong to a gym and do yoga. I want to find some community groups and volunteer, and this is when I am able to find the motivation in between strong bouts of sadness.
Thanks for your support all. Wishing everyone well 💗

Lotus, I'm so sorry. I can feel your pain right off the page. I think everyone here has given you good advice and kindness and they will continue to do so. These are very compassionate people who have been where you are now. I can only say, to accept your feelings, understand that they are NORMAL, that almost all normal people feel this way when they are devastated by infidelity. Other things can shatter us too. There was a man once who hurt me a great deal in a job....no romance, just a terrible project that nearly wrecked my health and he tried to get me fired by lying about me because he was trying to hide his own behavior, and HR knew he was lying, they told me that. At any rate, I left but for years afterwards because I lived near him, I always thought I would spit right in his face if I ever ran into him in public. And for a long time.....I probably would have. I never did see him though, perhaps as God intended. Maybe that wasn't right, but it's how I felt and it reflected the intensity of my feelings and what he did to me. How much I lost. How cruel he was. How unjust it was.

But everything passes, even the most intense feelings do trickle away....sometimes faster than we think. For now, accept how you feel, your sorrow, your anger, your probable desire for things to go bad for them, your hunger for justice. Even daydreams of revenge. I would want that. Of course you wouldn't act on it. It's all fine - your feelings are the degree of the depth you had for the relationship, how much it meant to you, how much he meant to you, how much you respect and care for yourself. If you do find that the thoughts are becoming intrusive, which can happen, or you seem to be getting into loops or it's keeping you from doing things like getting out or being active, you might keep something near you, maybe on your phone, or a bell or something that you can just shake and say NO. Just NO as firmly as you can. And go do something else immediately. Go out, watch a TV show, do some cleaning - just try to do something that breaks the mood immediately. It will get your thinking off track. Probably the best advice people are giving is to keep active in whatever interests you or maybe something new. Don't isolate yourself even though you may not feel up to being around people. Just sitting in a cafe can help sometimes.

Do know that everyone here does care about you and understands what you're going through and you will always be heard.

I want to add one thing:
I think I can consider myself a cool character. I manage pressure situations with logic, reality, and calmness. In my career as a cop, I dealt with all sort of dangerous issues, and in my subsequent careers I have earned a reputation as a problem solver in tough projects.
Yet I had issues... (and for all I know might still have 😊)

About 15 years into my present non-infidelity-impacted marriage we were having serious issues that partially/mainly could be attributed to certain behaviors I showed. I had the sense of realizing that there was something wrong and made an appointment with a counselor. Fortunately, he specialized in past trauma and PTSD.
I mentioned how I felt physically ill, anxious and panicked when I saw cauliflower. Attributed to the day I had to deal with brain-matter after a grueling car-crash scene. How I felt intense panic and anxiety if I saw kids six years or younger close to a road. Attributed to yet another car-related incident I was a first-responder to. How I reacted if someone faced me in a tight environment like an elevator, bus, queue at the airport or whatever. Attributed to being attacked and cut with a knife in a life-or-death fight. How I always kept my back to the wall in public spaces. How I always took a defensive stance when meeting strangers...
I also mentioned walking in on my then-fiancé having sex with OM.

After a couple of sessions my therapist pointed out the obvious: I had PTSD.
However... he sort-of graded the PTSD and said that all the terrible things I had witnessed and seen counted for maybe a third of my issues. In some ways being stabbed is a possibility in law-enforcement and seeing brains and guts something that happens. The BIG cause for PTSD was infidelity.
It only took him 2-3 more sessions to teach me how to deal with it. Somehow simply having it explained more-or-less did the trick for me. I learned exercises to deal with the issues, learned to appreciate that despite the horrible events I did what I had to do and all that. Learned that whatever she had done to me didn’t have to reflect on all the other relationships I had and so on.

My take from all this:
Don’t do my mistake and wait 15 years for professional help. Get into therapy and work at managing your thoughts and emotions on these issues. Don’t let them fester for years.

Excellent points Bigger.

Interesting how the infidelity had more impact than your life and death situations.