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Ok, so a year has passed since I found out that WS had been having sexual conversations with many, many other women. It’s been a year since I have found out that this has been going on almost our entire 16 year relationship. However it’s been nine months since I found logs of conversations that spanned months and four months since I found logs that spanned years. He had two major relationships that I could tell.
One lasting about 5 years and the other lasting about 4ish. I do not have access to even look earlier on because those laptops are gone.

My WS is in IC for sex addiction, online. It’s not what you think though. He never shared photos or identifying information about himself. He was all about being anonymous. As a gamer he leaned into virtual sex/porn games and a platform that was world wide for him to live in outside out real life. That’s just a small recap of that situation.

Where I am…WS has never told me any truths that I didn’t find backing him into a corner to tell me or just to realize I know what he has done. He lied when we ended our separation and came home, knowing I didn’t have the full picture. He lied when I found the first set of logs, because my gut told me there was more I didn’t know. He lied when he said "now you know everything" after I confronted him about those logs. I had to find his big, recent file that would contain him crossing the line into the real world and using sex toys over the internet with his online girlfriends.

Lie after lie…and on top of the sex stuff within these sex laden conversations with these long term connections…he told these people that he: loved them, cherished them, missed them…and everything under that sun. Only to tell me that meant nothing and was just a game…that he perpetuated over years…? I think he is also lying to himself. I am angry, and done giving his any grace…I want true accountability, not forced because it’s what happened.

I’m starting to approach the feeling we may not make it. And it’s only been a year. Anyone else feel like this? Thoughts?

Thank you.

Don’t fixate on what he said to them.

He’s been lying to you; he would certainly lie to them, to keep getting what he wanted.

That can be so hard to do but I will try. Thank you!

If it’s been a year and he isn’t putting in the effort to repair your relationship— and I would say that admitting to only the bare minimum of what you can prove after being backed into a corner qualifies— then you have no reason to expect that any meaningful change will happen a year from now, or 2, or 3, etc.

@bluerthanblue he is doing work but it feels like I have to lead it. But I am done with that. After our last therapy appointment he said he is going to work on all the points I said I needed from him. He is going to take my concerns about some crazy stuff to his IC…I hope he shows some improvement but I feel like I’m on the edge where if he doesn’t follow through and start taking more ownership, I won’t be able to stay.

But I am starting to hate this back and forth. He is giving me a little hope by saying he is going to do this, and it will be the biggest let down if he doesn’t follow through. I was disappointed he didn’t really complete the last assignment from our previous appointment. He said he through a lot about it. I wrote it down twice because I wasn’t sure if I got it…just feels like he didn’t set aside time to complete this, ya know.

I appreciate the feedback. I need to hear some harsh truths to keep me grounded.

It was at around a year that I was able to see that XWH wasn't really doing the work to change. We'd done an on-line recovery program and he would read the assignment the night before or the evening of our weekly meetings, and barely did the homework. He said he was going to IC, but I wasn't seeing much improvement, no reading, etc. I was really working up my nerve to say that I couldn't do this any longer when he suggested MC. So, we did. Mainly because then I could say I did everything I could. I should have saved myself the extra 6 months and next dday.

Sometimes, it just takes time to be able to see clearly through all of this.

He lied when we ended our separation and came home, knowing I didn’t have the full picture.

What ended the separation, and what keeps you from separating again?

A lot of WSes have trouble with accountability because they are too mired in shame and protecting their egos/sense of self as a good person. They often have to hit "rock bottom" before they attempt to change themselves. This has certainly been my experience, and it's a good way to slowly destroy the chances of R.

A year is plenty of time for you to have searched your heart and for your WS to have shown real remorse. If it's over for you, then it's over, and no one can accuse of you making a rash decision. It might take you some more time to be sure, but why not try another round of separation and see how it makes you feel? If he resists and can't even give you that, then you'll have your answer.

It was at around a year that I was able to see that XWH wasn't really doing the work to change. We'd done an on-line recovery program and he would read the assignment the night before or the evening of our weekly meetings, and barely did the homework. He said he was going to IC, but I wasn't seeing much improvement, no reading, etc. I was really working up my nerve to say that I couldn't do this any longer when he suggested MC. So, we did. Mainly because then I could say I did everything I could. I should have saved myself the extra 6 months and next dday.

Sometimes, it just takes time to be able to see clearly through all of this.

That really resonates…I want so many things because even if he ends up burning me I’m not there yet. I hate that I have to see it play out.

What ended the separation, and what keeps you from separating again?

A lot of WSes have trouble with accountability because they are too mired in shame and protecting their egos/sense of self as a good person. They often have to hit "rock bottom" before they attempt to change themselves. This has certainly been my experience, and it's a good way to slowly destroy the chances of R.

A year is plenty of time for you to have searched your heart and for your WS to have shown real remorse. If it's over for you, then it's over, and no one can accuse of you making a rash decision. It might take you some more time to be sure, but why not try another round of separation and see how it makes you feel? If he resists and can't even give you that, then you'll have your answer.

He had signed up for anything he could to do to show he is invested in reconciling and was being almost hyper proactive. In hindsight I would chalk it up to him being panicked and terrified he was losing our relationship, in a real way. Being separated certainly reminded him, especially when he had the kids.

I have thought about another round of separation…although, while im not worried about factoring in my kids when it comes to making the big decision…I worry about seemingly jerking them around and confusing them. I’m know that seems odd but one avenue seems more chaotic than the other (both suck). Although if we do this, a little chaos could be worth it if it helps us reconcile. That’s something to think about.

I have thought about another round of separation…although, while im not worried about factoring in my kids when it comes to making the big decision…I worry about seemingly jerking them around and confusing them.

That's totally fair. When kids are involved, it's not healthy to put them through a lot of uncertainty if you can help it.

It sounds to me like you are wanting to be done, but you're not ready to accept it yet. I spent a long time living in limbo like that, especially the guilt of what it will do to the kids. To be fair, I still haven't pulled the plug, but I'm planning to do so after school is done. It took me 2 years to make a permanent separation. 2.5 years now to decide on divorce.

Take the time you need to be sure, but I wouldn't recommend spending years in limbo. It's not good for your health (or his).

To be honest I am hoping we can get past this but a year on and I’m just not sure how to get past the lies that panned almost our whole relationship….its a hard pill to swallow. I sit here and think, what sane person would stay and yet I’m wanting to stay but my personal logic is telling me to go. I definitely don’t want to waste years in this limbo. I think I lean towards ending things because he has let his m shame and anxiety be an obstacle to doing what he needs to do. I told him I don’t accept him allowing himself use those excuses anymore. I just need full accountability. His repeated lies keeps me feeling like we are just out of dday. That keeps me stuck to.

I do think I have uncovered everything, I hope there isn’t anymore but you never know. I have gone through 3 old laptops and he wasn’t as techy as I thought because he was continually flabbergasted at what I would find. But I have hit a wall, and sitting very disappointed he couldn’t bring himself to disclose everything after the initial dday and the second one.

At least he’s consistent. He lied through decades of your marriage and continues to lie, despite that being the worst choice possible.

I think the lying at Dday is due to fear and cowardice. Fear that the betrayed will find the info so bad they will leave. And cowardice because they don’t have the guts to face the music.

I also think when you are done, you are done. And if you have given it a year and your are not happy and feeling like you are both on the same page, it may be worth considering D.

You deserve to be happy. Don’t stay for "the kids". You don’t need to suffer for years — it will start to wear you down pretending you are "okay".