SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

i’m just looking for some support and advice from others who have found myself in a situation similar to me… A quick recap – I filed for divorce and the process is about one year into it. Last year, the kids and I were shocked to learn of my husband’s infidelity and 2+ year affair. My STBX and I are basically no contact. We were married 27 yrs. My kids are 23 and 20 years old and still live at home./college. We were a close net family of four and this has been a shock to the three of us. We told our kids was that their dad had an affair with another woman for two years. They don’t know any other women the dirty details. Initially, my kids needed some distance from my husband which lasted a couple months, but their relationship is back to normal with him now. I support them having a relationship with their dad, but I can’t say it is not hard for me after the pain he has caused me. my kids have been spending more time with my husband and it is very hard for me to cope with -although I am. I don’t let on how it hurts me and I never badmouth their dad. He is a manipulative narcissist. I worry he will find a way to damage my relationship with my children. The other part of the equation is his parents and two siblings have completely cut off ties with me. I don’t feel I’ve given them any reason to, except for the fact that I’m the wife that their son wants to leave his marriage and doesn’t give a damn about me anymore. I have been classy and kind through this entire process. The incident that is really upsetting me currently is that my daughter was on the phone with my 11 yr old niece (whom I was close with) , my STBX at her house w his sister’s family. My daughter is FaceTimeing all of them and they are laughing and happy. I feel rejected and shut out from what used to be my family. But mostly It hurts so much that my daughter (23 yrs) doesn’t grasp how much this hurts me. I am afraid she has no empathy like my STBX. Him and his family are not kind and my daughter is "on their side" so to speak. I am working through the healing process, and I am in a much better spot than I was last year at this time regarding letting go of my lying/cheating husband, but the hurt that comes from my children because of the divorce situation and their relationship with their dad is very deep. There are so many layers in divorce. It not only breaks up two lovers/but a mom/dad/family. Any advice would n dealing with this in a much appreciated. Thank you all for being supportive. This site has been very helpful for me and I go back to reread posts in times of difficulty. Wishing everyone going thru this love and support. I feel for you.

Aww Lotus, for sure it must be painful to watch the others in your family relating like old times and feel shut out! I don't have children, but I was a child of divorce and one thing you might hold onto is, at 23 your daughter is still very much a child emerging into adulthood.

Fractures in the family have the effect of delaying the child's maturing process, hinders thrm being able to stand on their own two feet emotionally and just to look at their family objectively. It's like something about seeing the parents divide threatens their security and they (we, because I remember) tend to react by either pulling far, far away from the parents (like I and my siblings did) or just trying frantically to have whatever normalcy we can have. Sounds like the latter is what you are seeing. It feels like added rejection to you which I'm thinking it isn't, really.

Try to endure this and it too shall pass.

I’m sorry you have been discarded by his family too. It appears as though (I could be wrong here) he told his family some lies to save face with his family. Lies about how "bad" his marriage was and how "unhappy" he was as a way to justify his cheating.

And sadly they are dumb enough to believe it.

You don’t want to damage your relationship w/ your kids so unfortunately you are going to have to let it go. Their cousins are their cousins and they should remain on the best terms possible.

I know that is hard to watch. And I understand your pain.

But unfortunately it’s a side effect of divorce— losing family and friends. If it makes you feel better we have a good friend who married a serial cheater and after the D, everyone in our circle sided with the betrayed spouse. The serial cheater lost a circle of about 20 friends.

Please don’t take the rejection personally. It would have happened no matter who you were.

Do your best to remain neutral and let your kids know you support their relationship with your XH’s side of the family. It’s the best you can do.

I wanted to say how sorry I am that you are experiencing this infidelity-related pain. Many of us have survived this sort of experience. It was and is very painful to me. This is tough stuff. Many of us love our children deeply but do not like and are hurt by the decisions they have made regarding continued contact with their wayward parents.

Sending positive thoughts and well wishes your way.

Thank you, friends. It seems the consensus is that it’s unfortunately another thing that I/we have to cope with. I have to suck it up. I will say I am working very hard on a positive frame of mind and staying in the present, let the past be the past and don’t worry about the future. Trying to focus on being grateful because I have heard it helps healing.

@The 1st wife…
I think you are exactly correct bc this is my guess too-
"It appears as though (I could be wrong here) he told his family some lies to save face with his family. Lies about how "bad" his marriage was and how "unhappy" he was as a way to justify his cheating."
Yes! He wants to look like the good guy. His family thinks he can do no wrong.
It’s so hard keeping things inside and not letting my kids know the full truth, and the same with his family. I was close with his sister and I just want to tell her what he did to me! I know she has taken his side, but I feel like I need to stick up for myself/be heard.

Well, as for now I am following the motto "let it go" as best I can. I appreciate all of your input and advice. It makes me feel heard and not so alone.

I think you will never be "heard" by his family unless he did something to get arrested.

Sometimes you have to let things run their course. I know it’s hard to just "walk away" and let people believe the lies.

But no matter what you say, he will have an answer for it. Lies upon lies that you just cannot prove are lies.

What I would be more concerned about is any parental alienation that could occur by his lies. He goes whining to the kids about how mean you were blah blah and it can get very ugly.

Maybe sit your kids down and say you don’t want to get them in the middle and you encourage the kids to keep in touch with him blah blah blah. What went on in the marriage is not their business and they don’t need to know the details.

I’m sorry for you b/c I know how terrible it is to get dropped by an entire family that you once had a relationship with.

Have faith that one day the lies will come to the surface and the XH will look like the liar & cheater he is.

It took me a couple of years to get past these types of feelings. The more I coped and got through it the stronger I got, but I felt very much like you after I left my xWS. My kids are the same ages yours are but they were 14 and 17 the time I left. They also saw my xWS's house as "home" and still do. I think that was the hardest part for me. There were also times I am not proud of where I bad mouthed him but I soon stopped that and tried to work through the feelings on my own.

My xWS used and still uses our daughter as someone to console him. I know she doesn't like that. So there are traits that he has that suck them in and they feel uneasy about simply because he is a narcissist. I remain the stable parent. They both come to me now and we have a great relationship. They even get on well with my current partner. My xWS has had one string after another of troubled relationships and brings my daughter into them which she hates.

Just remain the stable and strong parent. Always listen to them and spend as much quality time as you can with them. Eventually I think they will see who the "unhealthy" parent is even though they still love both of you and of course I had to always remind myself this isn't a competition. I let go and started living my life and my kids are a part of my life as they are a part of my XWS's.

As far as family it's unfortunate but sometimes those relationships end as well, the shared friendships do too. But you will persevere and become stronger and happier. Hopefully you are discovering the beauty of peace of mind away from a narcissist.

Pinging off what The1stWife said, I agree with her but I'll go one notch further: my SAWH actually DID get arrested, and when his family found out, his father snorted and said "What's the big deal?" It was an international phone call to let them know their boy was in hot water in the USA. At one point his dear mother summed it up for me that "men do have their needs." Wow.

What it showed me was that apparently soliciting a prostitute is okie-dokie with them for their precious son...and it's legal in his culture! Which of course answered my question about where my SAWH got his "permission" from.

Sadly I think you'll have to accept the likelihood that his family isn't going to suddenly disown him, so they can rally around you, though it is not unheard of. In general, the old saying 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree' fits pretty well as I've lived long enough to confirm.

I had a close friend who for years was an integral part of my life. We spent time together, holidays as two couples, helped each other…
Then one day it all stopped. I have never been able to understand why. He just stopped returning calls, cancelled visits, was busy, not interested, had plans… No – when asked there was nothing wrong…
Caused me some distress at the time. I was wondering what I had done wrong. But eventually I accepted that I had done nothing that warranted this behavior, and I decided on a rule I have lived by since:
If someone doesn’t want my company, then fine. It’s their loss and not mine. I seek those that don’t seek me.

It’s not spite or revenge or anything like that. I am certain that if he called in the next ten minutes, I would talk to him. But I’m not forcing myself on him. I tried – he rejected.

I have used this stance in other instances where someone seems to lock me out of their lives. If you can, then adapt that stance to his family. If they don’t want your company – their loss.