SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've recently joined due to finding out about my partner's affair. Original post is here explaining what happened, it was unforgivable what he did but I'm trying to move forward with it.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/665717/is-there-a-way-forward/

He's going on a lads holiday in 2 weeks time and I'm a nervous wreck about it. It's coming up to 6 weeks post D-Day, and I'm struggling more than ever but don't want to put a dampener on things as he's adamant he's going. It's a 4 day trip, drinking and partying.

Any tips on how to keep myself sane whilst he's away? He needs to go as it's the only way trust is going to be rebuilt and I don't want my mood to stop him doing anything, making him feel trapped. However it's eating away at me that something will happen. He's going with his best friend who is a serial cheater on his girlfriend.

TBH Pineapple (love the name BTW) I honestly would not be ok with him going. IMO when our WS had affairs they gave away the right to trips and nights out etc, for as long as we need. They proved they can’t be trusted.

Have you told him how you feel? Please don’t feel bad for ‘dampening’ the mood, he did that when he cheated on you. It is completely normal to feel nervous the way you do and if he is remorseful then he should respect your feelings.

I get the rebuild trust thought process but you are so early in your journey. Trust can only be built over time with him proving he is trustworthy with his actions. From what I read on your original post he isn’t giving you much to work with.

But if he still goes make time for yourself. Read, exercise, get a pedi or facial. You deserve it.

In my experience, when the lads go drinking and partying, they are looking for women.

Your husband is married. He doesn’t get to engage in the single lifestyle anymore.

And from your other post, the way he treated you during a terribly difficult time in your life is beyond reprehensible. He was acting like a single man then, as well, and a shitty single man.

Don’t know how it happened, but you’ve tied yourself to a loser.

I think you should start untying yourself.

Start with the lad’s trip. Tell him if he goes, you’ll be gone when he comes back. (And you have to mean this). See what happens.

No way would I be okay with him going. I also would not be okay that he is so insensitive to what he did to me that he even believes that going should be on his list of priorities. Your husband is not yet remorseful of what he did and he is expecting to still be acting however he likes. If he wants to be a single dude, he should go be a single dude and stop dragging your feelings around. You deserve infinitely better.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:38 PM, Thursday, May 22nd]

I have big problems with WSes who cheat with a newborn. Now he's going away for 4 days while you still have to care for a newborn.

Are you sure you want him? If you do, what does he do that makes you want him?

Babies require big adjustments for fathers. I remember finding it very difficult to accept I was less important to my W. I knew logically that it was normal - after all, I could keep myself alive, but our son couldn't. Our son really needed to be my W's primary focus.

But cheating at that point is an atrocious act of abandonment, IMO. The body keeps score - that's true, and it's the title of a book worth reading.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:39 PM, Thursday, May 22nd]

And his talk of 50/50 with the child is probably a manipulation tactic.

Last thing a single man wants is a baby to take care of.

I think it was 6 months before I let my FWH out of my sight....let alone travel without me. BUT, he was totally on board with that...in fact...my FWH was onboard with whatever I said I needed from him to feel safe. And, at one point I was so over the top, I didn't want him in a room or even an elevator alone with another woman or buy a certain brand of butter that I found triggering.

The fact that he is "adamant" that he's going is a real red flag for me. That would be a deal breaker for me, particularly when you haven't had much time from discovery. Yes, he needs to build trust....and you have to get to a point where in order to build trust, he has to show that he's trustworthy. I really don't get a sense that he's done enough of that for you.

He doesn't get to dictate what you should be comfortable with in your healing from a wound he created. Nope. I know that every WS/BS wants this process to go faster than it does. There were definitely things that I told my FWH that if he did....I wouldn't stick around for....and I meant them. It wasn't a perfect process, but I had to identify what I needed and tell him. If he wasn't up for what I needed....he wasn't marriage material for me.

Oh my goodness I am so sorry that you are here! It seems like you want to have reconciliation but I really don’t know why. He is doing nothing that he supposed to be doing telling you that he’s going away basically whether you like it or not is not remorseful spouse. Sounds like he wants to eat his cake and eat it too. This is just my opinion, but if you were my daughter, I would tell you to do whatever you have to do to find the strength to leave. For your own sanity, and for the sake of your child, who needs an emotionally, healthy mother. I would also see an attorney. Sending you big hugs this is really an awful story and I am so sorry you’re going through this.