SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out my husband of 27 yrs has been having an affair and we are getting divorced. He has no remorse and wants out. It’s crushing for me. I’m having such a hard time accepting that he wants the OW and doesn’t care about or love me anymore. We were college sweethearts, best friends, had a beautiful life. This two year affair was kept secret from me, he was living two lives and when I found out it was like getting the rug tipped out from under my feet. The lies he told and how he betrayed me can never be forgotten, but I am so sad for the loss of the man I knew when he was faithful and we’re were happy.

I am so sorry you are going through this, my world imploded when I found out about my husbands infedelity, but he had already ended it when I found out. Knowing he had came to his senses and was already putting things in place to try and fix the carnage he had created has definitely helped my recovery, but I also know I will be ok if he ever leaves because the healing I have done is for me, I am stronger now that I have ever been. You don't know what your husband's journey will be, many on here have been in the same position then the husband wakes up and some have had to learn to accept that their marriage is over. Right now you need to focus on the small things to get you through each day, even each hour at a time, try to do calming things, make sure to eat and try to rest. All these huge tsunami of emotions that you are experiencing are all normal and will eventually subside to allow you to catch your breathe. YOU WILL BE OK no matter what your husband does, it's a hard path but you will survive it, right now you won't believe that, but you will!!! Please find someone you can trust to help support you through this, for me it had to be a therapist x

Thank you. Yes I do have a therapist but just talk once a week. It’s like I could talk to her every hour right now. Ugh. I have supportive friends and family.

Those first few weeks are truly horrific, no words will ever be able to explain the pain and trauma someone that hasn't experienced it. It will consume your every thought morning and night, the pain will feel physical at times, but trust everyone that has went before you when they tell you it will gradually ease. It will come in waves and when you feel like you are drowning do whatever you need to to just get through that wave. There will always be someone here ready to listen whenever you need to get anything off your chest x

If it was "so bad" and the cheater was "so unhappy" why did the affair go on in secret for 2 years?

The cheater could have left years ago.

I’m wondering if the OW is "all that" lol.

He may be choosing D because then he doesn’t have to do any work and it’s the easiest option for him.

Lotus

Sometimes the only way to react is through reality.
It’s like you pull into your driveway and notice flames and smoke coming from your house.
You could pull away and hope it isn’t what it really is. You could sit in your car and wail about how your favorite chair is probably burned and how you now don’t have any place to call home.
Or...
You could call the fire department and then rush in to save whatever is salvageable.
Maybe you save some things, maybe they get there soon enough to extinguish the flames, or maybe you will be standing outside the charred remains of your home.
Doesn’t mean you have to enjoy the flames, be nonchalant about the damage or even be happy about what’s going on. But it does mean you have to deal with it.

It’s the same now.
27 years marriage...
You have your rights. They are probably more than you (or even he) thinks.

I strongly suggest you call the professionals – the fire department – but this time it’s a competent divorce attorney that can ensure your rights.
Not saying you should file a heavily contested, one-sided divorce. But rather that you accept your very life is on fire, and that to get out with minimal damage to you then you need a competent person to guide you along. Even if the two of you go through mediation, or he offers what might sound like a fair division, have YOUR attorney go over it before approval.

It's not what you want, not what you want to hear... but it’s reality.

We also D’d after 25 years. It knocked me off my feet for about a year. (Good days and bad days, but I felt very untethered during that time.)BUT. But I made it through that year. After year 2 I bought my own home, switched jobs, started graduate school….I rebuilt my life. It wasn’t easy at all and the other curveballs of life (house burned down, dad died, cat died,etc.) were extra challenging. But you can and will get through this. Just gonna suck for a while.

Glad you are in IC.

Have you tried journaling? I am a verbal processor, so I found once a week really hard. But journaling helped— I pretended I was emailing my therapist. And lean on friends and family. And exercise. It was hard to ruminate when I was exhausted and exercising.

I am in a GREAT place now. And when I have to interact with my ex (still own property together- our house burned down the aftermath) - I find that I don’t feel anything for him. I truly can’t see what I saw in him. And I thought he had hung the moon.
Time and distance and perspective will help you see that things were not what you thought they were— it may have been a good M, but there were probably things that you ignored and trusted that were not right or fair or good. When the rose colored glasses are off, you will start to get a more accurate picture of things, and it will help you heal. Again, it may have been a good M, but you will see where things can be better.

Please trust that you will heal. Time is a four letter word, but it plus your therapy and hard work, will get you there.

Hang in there.

Please trust that you will heal. Time is a four letter word, but it plus your therapy and hard work, will get you there.

Hang in there.

Unfortunately you cannot rush the healing process. But the good news is if you truly want to heal, you will work hard at it and make it happen.

I can tell you that I am 12 years out and have very few triggers. I don’t react over her name like I once did. I don’t read too much into everything he says or does like I once did. I don’t fly into rages over his affair like I used to.

I am happy and living my best life despite his plans to D me. Because I learned that I was not perfect but was a damn good wife and he’s lucky I chose to R.

Rock on!

Lotus, you've got a lot of great advice here, especially about taking care of yourself during this time. What I would add here is that truly KNOW....that none of this is YOUR fault. It's all about him. For whatever reason he has decided he wanted a new life with a new person. I know how much that hurts, it happened to me many years ago, it took me at least a year just to process it but now...as another poster said, I look back and wonder what I saw in him. That might happen to you too at some point, as unlikely as it may seem now. Some people reach a point in life, as they get older, when they really feel like life is ending for them, they're getting old, they're stale, they are not creative people - they look for something outside themselves to make them feel young, revitalized, new, fresh, have a new beginning, etc. But this doesn't come from within, it comes from another person so it's fake. You can't find your true self IN someone else. He's trying to do the quick and dirty (very dirty) route of escaping from his current life through another person. This is likely to fail, it often does. Sometimes they recognize this and come back and then you might have to decide if you want to start again from scratch (I wouldn't) and sometimes they stay because it's genuinely what they want at this point or they have to tell themselves that to justify what they've done.

So please know, down to your toes, this is NOT about you. This is about whatever problems or demons or issues or hopes or aspirations or FANTASIES....because solving your problems with another person is usually a FANTASY....that your husband is experiencing. DO NOT TAKE OR ACCEPT ANY BLAME FOR THIS, WHETHER FROM HIM, OTHERS, OR YOURSELF. He is making this choice for his own highly selfish reasons and he's gonna get what he deserves ultimately. Be kind to yourself, take care of yourself as others suggest here, know that you have your own life with meaning, and goals, and purpose, and activities and they will exist no matter what happens to him. All of us can be faced with the possibility of the death of a spouse...and yet we will have to go on and make our own lives. The same is basically true here but don't take this as much as a rejection as him choosing another path, one probably based on a fantasy that is not likely to come true.